I just can't keep doing this.
And I can't let myself keep doing this.



Why has it become so difficult to not care?

WARNING.

(THIS BLOG MAY CONTAIN PAINFULLY CLICHE AND CORNY WRITING)

Walking back from Target tonight as I slipped in my heartbeats and went to listen to a classical (for me) single in NYC song...I happened to choose "Floaters" by Rob Mounsey Project. I think it really captured the mood of how I have been feeling lately...

It must be November air, but I have been feeling really thankful lately. Like. Really thankful. I sometimes get afraid when I feel such a powerful feeling like this, because I feel like it's my emotions prepping for disaster to come. Anways...

I have lived far from a charmed life from the looks of others. But...I can't stop myself from saying to myself, that I have lived such a privileged life. I have had many of struggles and pitfalls, but I thank whatever higher being every morning, that I am the person I am today.

I have never really been someone to really complain much, because in all honestly, although I don't have a lot to my name, or lots of money in the bank, sure I stress about how I'll be able to survive in NYC at times...but where the core of my being is, is not only priceless, but it's worth all the mellow drama of life. I couldn't have it luckier than I do. Most people go home at the end of the day and still feel like shit with all the stress of life. Most nights I go to bed thankful for every breathe I've taken and ever image I've ever seen.

I'm 19 years old, but I'm wise beyond my years. I've been told this since I was 10 years old. I have trouble matching up my numerical age to my spiritual age because they seem like they have such a gap in what people would perceive my behaviors to be. I'm thankful to have gone through hell many times and to probably be going back a few more times to have visits, it's made me such a strong and internally content/happy person.

I've been thinking a lot about the books "A Series of Unfortunate Events", ever since I saw Liam Aiken around NYU. I remembered how when I was 14 I was obsessed with this classical piece that Thomas Newton wrote for the song. The score is called "The Letter That Never Came". I've identified with this song for years, for many different reasons. I remembered in the movie when they got...the letter that never came, and inside Violet read this quote, which I newly discovered today:

"At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place. But believe us when we say there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may in fact, be the first steps of a journey."

I'm lucky every day to be alive. And I feel even more like a million bucks lately. This feeling doesn't ever really go away, it just intensifies from time to time. As awful as the world seemingly has been to me. I'm so happy to have went through it all.


I'm a lucky little shit.

Can we slow down?

Time is moving too fast.

Looks like I've got a lot on my mind lately, huh? I think I have actually successfully given myself a headache from thinking so much. Mostly good though, so no real worries.

Despite everything I've been through (corniness alert), I still can't believe every single day how lucky I really am. At time my life can seem rough and troubled, but it doesn't really matter because I feel lucky everyday just to be able to be alive. It sounds so cliche, but it's how I have been feeling lately. I am not in the most amazing place, but my...soul (?) is.

Oh and I'm a living Lady GaGa song right now. And no, it's not "Speechless".

It's been a lazy lazy Monday so far. But I guess I should enjoy simple pleasures of not having too much to do.

My legs are really sore from dancing for like...3 hours on Saturday night/Sunday Morning.

I looked at some of the songs I wrote about a year ago and realized that 1) Some of them really suck and 2) Some of them could actually be something really great. I didn't realize how much I had wrote, there is like 26 songs there. How could I just forget all of those songs? I still think "Supernova" is going to be up there with my favorite songs as well as the one I'm pretty done writing now called "He is Me". I just need to really sit at my piano and really fuck around until something just comes through me. I guess that will be the purpose of the winter. Since I am not in a relationship (thankfully), I imagine that I will spend some good time dating my music all winter.

I have been having very vivid and distinct visions of my future. I can see myself or who I believe I am going to be, I just need to make a point to actually get there. I always amaze myself how much I have changed and evolved in the past 6 months alone, I question where I will be and what I will be doing in six months time from now. It's fucking terrifying but it's fucking exciting at the same time.

I've come to a few realizations lately. I seem to talk about my men troubles in my blog a lot recently. But whatever. I have come to a pact with myself that I won't date in the foreseeable future. Men suck, Music needs to become my everything.

Gosh, and The Fame Monster, definitely helps me tap into that frequency.

Here's to a winter filled with music, drunken mishaps, lyrical revelations and most of all: A Good Fucking Time.

He is Me.

I've been working on a really intricate song about something very complicated. I thought I would post some lyrics so you get the idea of where this is going.


You've got to fight fight fight
Get a hold hold hold of yourself
Do this for yourself boy
Make your living lie the truth
They can't chase it
If they never find the proof


oh boy, oh boy, you are me.

It's strange to realize how thing can become so different so fast.

And a good point, pointed out tonight.

"Today won't mimic what tomorrow could be"

I'm not sure why I have these feelings.

Or what even sparked them.

But I know I don't to have them.

Romantic comedies make me thankful that I don't make the initiative to date. Or that I'm not dating, period.

I don't want time to pass, because every moment forward, you slip further in the past

Is it even humanly possible to have as many thoughts as I have in my mind? I feel so overwhelmed.

The days are gone
The nights they pass
I know these things
Weren't meant to last
That doesn't mean
I was ready
To give it up so fast

"I'm not a promiscuous girl, I'm free spirited"

HARDCANDY.

I'm really sorry.

But everyday I find it harder and harder to care about you.
Every time you try to "shelf" me, I don't say, but I do resent you just a little more.
I'm done playing tag, but in this case "you're it".

I've done everything I can do.
If you want recognize that I'm still here.
Well that's up to you.

In this case, sometimes out of sight, out of mind is maybe a good thing. Isn't that how everything gets resolved anyway. How to "forget".

I'm not trying to be hard, but I'm done being sweet.

LOWERYOUREYELIDS

If you have never listened to this song. Please do. This might be my favorite song. It makes me reminisce in the best ways. And it gives me strength and a sense of courage for the present.

Today was a really strange day for me. A lot of "coincidences" that I don't really think are that alone.

I felt like he was watching me today. Call me corny, but I really did.

<3

PLEASE?

Come back.
Even for a night.
Just so I can tell you how much I love you.
How much I miss you.
How I wish these events never happened.
And you were still here by my side.

I could hug you.
We could talk and chat.
You know, like we always would.
I was never disappointed in you.
I know you always did the best you could.

You're my inspiration everyday.
You're the thoughts in my mind.
And the words that I say.
I never would have guessed.
Things would end up this way.
Even though you're not here.
Stay by my side.
So I know I'll be okay.

DON'TWAKEUP.

My inspiration has been doing me really good lately. I bought one of those dry erase boards and I have been writing things on it to inspire me as I leave my apartment to go about my day. I think it helps. Or when I am in my room and I am being unproductive and I see it. It makes me get my shit together.

I talk about the past a lot. But whatever, I never really deal with the past unless I write it in one of these blogs. But lately I have been thinking a lot of how much shit has happened in the last 5 months. It's just so much to wrap my mind around. I can only imagine how my future might feel like. Especially with the paths that I have been choosing to go down.

I guess what I am getting to is that my life feels like a dream most of the time. And if it is the case. Please don't wake me up.

I love good conversations and good talk. After a really great conversation last night, I kind of re-realized my ambitions and why I am even in NYC in the first place. It was good to feel the pure desperation for those goals again. call me a wannabee. But you can go fuck yourself. ^_^.

There are many people who are rooting for me to fail, as there is with anyone who is trying to better themselves. And there are many people who think I am wasting my time. Or that I should be in college instead of "wasting my life away". Did it ever occur to some people that people might want different paths in life?

Anyways. I have been enjoying NYC a lot and enjoying the simplicity of my life and just doing great New York things. But all of this will change soon. When I really start to get the ball rolling, as I am doing right now, pretty soon I won't be able to enjoy as much free time as I would like. But as my friend and I were saying, we make sacrifices in life. And the things that I will be willing to give up will hopefully be worth it when I do reach my goals.

I'm just looking forward to what I can do with myself. I know it's going to be really though and really discouraging at times, but fuck it, I would be more miserable not trying, than being upset at my failed efforts.

As Gaga would say, I would die if I was forbidden to make music.

KING.

I do believe I am a good person when it comes the larger majority of things.

But sometimes....

I wonder how I am already not in hell. On a throne. With the King himself.

Man, I can be a fucking asshole.

IPROMISE.

Little boy
Don't you forget his face
Laughing away your tears
When He was the one who felt all the pain

Little boy never forget his eyes
Keep them alive inside
I promise to try
It's not the same

Keep your head held high
Ride like the wind
Never look behind, life isn't fair
That's what you said, so I try not to care

Little boy don't run away so fast
I think you forgot to kiss
Kiss him goodbye

Will he see me cry when I stumble and fall?
Does he hear my voice in the night when I call?
Wipe away all your tears
It's gonna be all right

I fought to be so strong, I guess you knew
I was afraid you'd go away too

Little boy
You've got to forget the past
And learn to forgive me
I promise to try
But it feels like a lie

Don't let memory play games with your mind
He's a faded smile frozen in time
I'm still hanging on
But I'm doing it wrong
Can't kiss him goodbye







But I promise to try



CSL. 62568-4509. <3.

SOSLOWLY.

Tick tick tock
It's a quarter to 2
And I'm done
I'm hanging up on you

I can't keep on waiting for you
I know that you're still hesitating


I've come to the simple realization. You want something done. Do it your fucking self. And, Men are just pretty much assholes. Yes, you can include myself.

I'm not doing this indecisive shit right now. I'm not something you can put on layaway. In the meantime of people deciding what it is that they want, I just become more and more disinterested.

You will know what you want.

If you want something, fine. If you don't want something, fine. I love the color grey (^_^), but when it comes to things like this...it needs to be black or white.

*Disclaimer. Despite thoughts, I don't really feel like this is directed towards one person. So I'm not being passive aggressive here.



***I'm going to imitate Madonna in this picture. Have sex and date my music. Judge all you want. ^_^.

NOTE2SELF.

Note to self.

I need to make up my mind on what it is that I really want.

I am pretty sure on my answers and decisions, but my mind tends to wander at all the possible outcomes and paths that things can go down.

Why am I so analytical?

stop it.

TICKTOCKTICKTOCK.

I'm going to be sticking to my new favorite line from now on. It seems to fit so many places in my life.



What are you waiting for?

TAURUS.

I was brushing my teeth today and I made somewhat of an interesting revelation...

I never knew how many Taurus's were in my life until I really thought about it. And then I thought of every single one that I have in my life and each one of them has significantly impacted my life in one way.

So I wonder what's my polar attraction with the bull.

It's fall. Or it's getting here. Which means I am going to become more and more nostalgic, and I think it's going to be even stronger this year.

I don't exactly want to come out and say what is on my mind. But it's been on my mind a lot lately and I can't seem to figure out why. Or why I even care enough to be thinking these things. Or why I am just feeding my urge to figure all this out.

On another note. Things change don't they? Change can bring seconds chances, can they not? But sometimes change can be so elaborate that you can't really find a reason to try to re-spark things.

I don't even know where I am getting at or what I am talking about.

Remembering things can be fun, but when it's shit like this, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't hate it, but at the same time I don't see why I need to remember it.

hmmm.

WRNINGSGN.

Remember all my chatter about me feeling not connected to things? About never feeling grounded or emotionally attached. This is all true. But what's also true, is that I can never predict WHEN I will have an emotional outburst. They just happen, and I can't really control it, for the life of me.

So what triggered it today? I really couldn't tell you. I can never tell you, because I never know.

I am pretty happy with the life that I have now. Of course there are things I would love to change, but when I go to bed at night I am grateful for how things are.

But I do miss things.

And times like these, I miss them a lot.

Sometimes I wonder what I would give up, just to get that feeling again, what it used to feel like...because I don't think I have felt it in so long. I want to just have that again, very much so.

&&This is why I don't complain about being single, or praise it for that matter. I don't want to be a burden in someones life. I don't really want to expect people to have to put up with the complexity of the person that I am. Because it can be really inconvenient to know me.

Before I ramble, I am going to end it here.

JSTDNCE

It's been a whirlwind ever since I got back from Maine. I can't say I don't love every single minute of it though.

These past days I have felt so good. I think I am learning to just take things as they are, rather than what they could be/appear to be. It's definitely a smarter decision on my part. It allows me to not be as consumed in analyzing situations before I decide whether or not they are "worth it". I'm liking just jumping into things that feel right, and then figuring out what will come of it later.

I'm trying to just stop blurred liens in my life. They seem to be everywhere and I'm so tired of it. So I've pulled the plug on some things.

Why?

Because I can't afford to give a shit anymore.

And I think I stopped giving a shit on most matters. And it feels...








amazing.

GROUNDED.

I am a classic for repeating myself.

But it's mostly because I lose touch with "the moment".

I've always said that I think my biggest struggle in life, is staying grounded. Not in a superficial sense, but in a sense of always feeling like I get the gravity of things. I always seem to feel as if I just let things pass me by, without properly addressing the situation.

When I was sitting in JFK last week, I suddenly realized what the last five months have looked like. This is where I lose touch of reality. I just seem to always forget the initial emotions of everything that I do in life. It's my defense mechanism if you will...something I have created for myself.

Things always seem to be chaos.
Crazy.
Unpredictable.

And I never know where I am going to end up. So I try not to get attached to things, people, or moments. I've just learned that things change so quickly, and it's hard for me to see a reason to emotionally invest in things...because the terror inside me knows they can be taken away at any moment.

I'm not sure what will happen in 5 months from now. After seeing what kind of life I am living compared to five months ago, I can only imagine the life I can live in the near future.

All I know, are these things:
*I want to have fun
*I want to do what I feel
*I want to work hard
*I want to give it everything I possibly got



My picture is just space. That's what I feel like everyday. Just floating around in possibilities and soaring through opportunities. I don't mind floating, but it sure would be nice to have someone to float with.

LETSHAVESOMEFUN.

I'm so tired of this shit.
I'm tired of really giving a shit as well.

My resolution to when I turn the big "19":

Just
Do
It

I am always so wrapped up in my mind, I just need to let loose and do what I feel...rather than what I think I should be doing.

I'm really curious to see where this leads me.
Hopefully to some fun.

IPROMISEYOUIWILLEARNFROMMYMISTAKES.

's true. The only thing that stays the same, is change.

I sometimes can hardly recognize myself.

Or can I recognize my life.

Everything that my life was, does not exist. And as much as elements still "linger", they don't mirror any aspect of what things used to be. Nothing is the same.

Time has become so blurry to me. April still seems like yesterday, but how could it feel like that. It was 4 months ago. What do I have to show for the time in between?

I look back on simple things, like "yesterday". I get confused at when exactly it ended, and when exactly it started. Everything just seems to make up this big mess of a "time period". As confusing as that sounds. Days feel like minutes and minutes feel like seconds. Sure, it's good time is "flying by". But is it really?

I catch myself. When I lose touch of everything I am, or was, or is still fighting to be. Every moment I go on with my life, I sometimes feel guilty, that someone isn't here moving along these moments with me. Because he should be.

I watch everything go by, sunsets, leaves falling, people coming and people going. And I can't believe at times, that life really does just move on like that. That people and things just accept the fact that people are gone. That life, just goes on.

I have found it so hard to grasp reality. My life always seems to be this big circus and so hectic. Very rarely do I actually stop and think about what is going on. I'm just so used to going on with it. Accepting situations and finding a way to sort through it. I wish I had my feet on the ground, but the majority of the time, I don't think they are. I have no sense of gravity in the situation, because I feel like I am not inline with gravity itself.

I wake up every morning and can't believe my life. I am proud that I have made it this far, but I am so shocked at what has happened to me. It makes me stop and think before I go out the door- What am I doing? Where am I going? Who am I? What has happened to me? Where do I fit in? Where do I stand out? Where am I succeeding? Where am I failing? And the questions never halt.

My analytical mind really does me more harm than good at times. I over-asses so many things in my life. Why? Because I've learned to be careful. But when is being careful crossing the line of not allowing opportunity/spontinutiy to happen?

I've made it this far. That I can nail on my list of things I've done. I've made it this far. 18 years of chaos and emotional cannonballs. But it's been 18 years, so when is it my time to just feel like I am doing something right, and that things are remotely going "smooth".


I don't even know where this is going.



Maybe some day. things will make sense. That's one big word though: Maybe.

WHERE2GO.

Where do we go from here?
This isn't where
We intended to be
We had it all
I believed in you
You believed in me

Certainties dissapear
What must we do
For our dream to survive?
How do we keep all our passions alive?
As we used to do.

Deep in my heart
I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess
What I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away
You must love me.

Why aren't you at my side?
How can I be any use to you now?
Give me a chance and I'll let you see how
Nothing has changed

Deep in my heart
I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess
What I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away
You must love me.

You
Must
Love.
Me.





Needless to say, needless to say.


This could be the hardest decision, I have ever made.

ARCHIEVE 22

Thursday, May 14, 2009

End.
Current mood:Empty.

It really is officially the end of an era. I've said it a few times here and there, but nothing is more concrete than this. Pretty soon I will forever be closing this chapter in my life and staring a new one. An exciting, scary and unpredictable chapter. One that inevitably has to be written.


I don't think I have ever felt more out of place than I do now. I look at the walls that surround me, walls that used to make up such a loving atmosphere...and I feel nothing but emptiness. It doesn't exactly help that I am constantly in this big house, alone, more than often. It's just a weird feeling that a place that was such a sanctuary, has become dark and stale. I've spent seven years of my life here. Seven years of memories, seven years of comfort and seven years of love.


It seems appropriate that I should leave now. Whenever I walk the halls, I feel haunted. Haunted by the memories of what was and what could have been. I'm not a dweller, but somehow all these feelings trap me to a point where I have to feel them. It's as if this house has died. And the life it had, is trying to get me to remember it. Whenever I sit down on the couch, I just get lost in the silence. Knowing that there isn't anything left here but me. I'm the only thing keeping this life going.


It's always sad to say goodbye to a part of your life. Especially one that you hold so close. Everything about this house, was my life. My father, my sister, my dog, my room, my shelter. But some of those elements don't exist anymore, thus making this part of my life drawing to an end. I'll always have the warmest memories when I look back on Orange Street. So much of my life was lived here. But it's time to move forward. To a different future.


I don't know what's going to happen to me. I don't exactly where I am heading in life. Now that this life is over, it's time to make a new one. And I don't know what it will consist of. But I know where I want to be. That my friends, is enough to push through walls and climb fences. It's not a question of if I can do it, it's how I'm going to do it.


So we'll have to wait and see. In the meantime, I need to say leave this empty house. I'm just torturing myself by being here alone all the time. I need to make peace with the memories and I can only do that by leaving. Like I said, it's the end of an era.

ARCHIEVE 21

Argue your limitations...
Current mood: contemplative
I sometimes feel myself falling into the trap of wishing things were easier. It’s human nature though, to want the more efficient and less difficult way out. The majority of the population doesn’t like to struggle, or feel a sense of desperation everyday. But it happens. And we are all a victim to it.

However, when I find myself tapping into this frequency- I realize I don’t want the easy way out. As much as “the hard way” sucks, it will turn out to be the best. If I have learned one thing in life, I have learned that easy doesn’t bring anything. Only when we struggle, do we really learn anything or feel anything. It’s when our sense of being is so heightened and everything is intensified. When you cry, you ball your eyes out-and when you laugh, you laugh you fucking laugh your ass off.

I have become friends with struggle. I have been there, time and time again. So when I struggle, it seems all so familiar with me. It’s only when I feel like I am cheating, that I get uncomfortable. When I don’t feel like I am working for something, I get freaked out. I am so used to having to work for everything in my life, that I have alienated “the easy way out”. But come the end of the day, I am glad. I don’t want to be one of those people who settles in comfort. Who tries to manipulate a way out of things. When we are presented with a problem, we have to work through it. Otherwise, we are avoiding the problem all together.

I know I am going to have handfuls of struggles in the future. I am okay with that. I am almost excited by it. Like I said, struggling makes you learn and it helps you feel. On top of that, coming out on top of it-could be one of the better feelings in the world. I am curious to test my limits, see how many times I have to fall before I can really stand up again.

There is a quote that I absolutely love, from a book I absolutely love. “Illusions” by Richard Bach is a great inspirational read for anyone. Inside the “Messiah’s Handbook” there is a quote that says:

“ Argue your limitations, and sure enough, they’re yours”

I am a firm believer that anything is possible. I think if we really want something. We can get it. The world is full of people who say they can’t, but mean they won’t. Because saying you can’t, easily makes anything not an option. Whereas saying I won’t, is admitting defeat, and is saying you are not willing to work for something. It’s a matter of how much you want something. Don’t give up and just when you feel like you “can’t”, push even further.

I guess I have just been surrounded by too much comfort, and too many people who don’t believe in themselves. I think belief is one of the most powerful things in the world. If you believe in yourself, you are going to try, push, struggle, because you know you can do it. If you don’t believe in yourself, you are going to give up. It’s sad that there is a whole world out there and that some people just settle with what they are. Never testing limits, never learning, never feeling raw.

I’m looking forward to my personal goal for the year. I need to get out of Maine, because it is the epitome of everything I never wanted in my life. I am excited to move to a city where I spread my wings, fall, and eventually soar. I know I can do this because I am open to struggle and I believe in myself. To me, that’s all you need.

“ You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it however”

ARCHIEVE 20

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Eh, Eh, There's nothing else I can say.
Current mood: contemplative
I couldn't help but to tap into my insights on life. How "against the grain" they really are. It baffles me that so many people are trying to pair off so quickly. Settle down. Give up a part of themselves. Create this fairy tale life that society demands of.

Growing up, we are made out to believe that relationships are suppose to have these "milestones". That at some point, you should think about the next point and then so on. It seems like in relationships, some of us are trying to quickly beat the game. Gather all of these objects so you can say you have done them. First kiss, first time having sex, first night over, getting a drawer at their house, moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, having kids, buying a home. All these things are felt like they should be done in a relationship. Most of us give into the pressure of the moment because "it feels like we should be at this stage in the relationship" or "we should be looking towards the next stage".

So when did relationships have to have "stages"?
What happened to just taking it "one day at a time"?
How did we become so preoccupied with what we should be doing in the relationship, with what we are actually doing? It's silly that people become so worked up and stressed about why they aren't in certain stages of their relationship. We almost begin to think that there is something wrong with our relationships because we haven't met the "requirements". So we fool ourselves into another game that society has created.

Everyone in my life seems to have this outlook on these "stages". Whereas I am just too free spirited to give a fuck. So what if it's been 30 years and I don't live with my partner. If it works for us, why fix what isn't broken? Why change something because it looks better on the outside? I won't.

I have fallen into the prey of this too many times. Fuck, one of my ex boyfriends wanted to propose because he felt like it was that "time". I was 15. Like, what the fuck are you thinking?

What is the rush in relationships? Why is everyone, so young, deciding to stop enjoying things. Spoiling relationships by getting engaged at age 18 before they have even been dating for a year. Then inevitably deciding that it's not what they really wanted.

I wish people would just breathe. Follow relationships from the heart, instead of where their minds are telling them they should be. Isn't love felt in the heart, not the head? Thought so.

I suppose these things are being written because I am too much of a care free person to really care where my relationship is. If I am happy then that is that. I don't feel the need to rush to get engaged or move in. If I want it, I will do it. But I won't want something because I am suppose to want it.

People should not forget their innocence. I am a firm believer in age is just a number, but I do think people are trying to mature too quickly. Too many people are trying to give themselves up. What kills me, is that most of the time, people don't have a strong sense of self. And you need that. You need to know yourself inside and out. You need to love yourself, and believe in yourself. If you don't, as cliche as it is..."how are you going to love someone else"?

Listen to your heart people. Don't be prey to thoughts that might not even belong to you. Think long and hard about what your heart is really telling you. Because it never lies. Ever.

ARCHIEVE 19

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Eight Two Eight.
I honestly thought that my memory was stripped of all recollection of a certain period in my life.

Then there it was, staring at me, on my bedroom stairs. Waiting for me open up that chapter in my life again.

I felt like I have been doing good. I don't really thing about anything in that time period, unless it's brought up by someone else. Even then, everything still seems so blurry to me. The smells, the looks, the touch, the feelings of it all. It's as if it all never happened.

And then tonight happened. And when I saw what lied in the items on my stairs, I was slapped. Slapped back into reality. The slap was one hell of a wake up call. It made me realize, I had a history. I had things that I had gone through.

I don't know how it all happened. I don't know how it all ended. But it did, and that chapter of my life has been closed for quite some time. So why, out of all days, times, circumstances, was this brought up now?

Maybe I needed to be reminded. That at one point, feeling was so intense in my life. Passion upon passion. With feeling seemingly absent in my life. Was I suppose to see this, to reassure myself that I can feel again?

I am still kind of shocked. Because as I rummaged through what was there...I almost remembered. Remembered what it was like. Remember how it felt. And I am thankful for that. Even though it was both a tremendous period of my life, it is one of great sorrow. But I never want to forget it. I don't want to be reminded. I want to already know.

I know I say this a thousand times. But I have died so many times. The people I have been. The things I have been through, felt, seen, heard, weathered.

My sister and I were having a heart to heart today. She said if she was lucky, she would turn out half as amazing as I have. To have someone look up to you like that. Means more than anything. To know that someone has seen my journey, recognized my struggles and was ultimately there to pat me on the back in the end.

Anyone who knows me, or has been through even the past four years with me, knows my life hasn't always been cupcakes. My sister asked me how I ended up the way I did. The answer is: I don't know. Maybe a part of myself strives for more than just "getting through" the storm. I would rather triumph.

So I guess this is a blog about the past. I don't know how it slithered up on me again, but it did. And I guess in a way I am thankful. I remember, and that IS great.

ARCHIEVE 18

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

2008.
Current mood: restless
Out with the old, in with the new? It's foolish to think that time runs itself by our definitions of when it ends, and where it begins. Time is one continuous flow of just itself, time. A new year isn't going to clear all the mess from last year, away. January 1st isn't going to be a complete 180 from December 31st. Because although we like to define time, it won't define itself.

So why do we feel like new years bring new things? It must be hope. People hope if they had a bad year, that this year will be better. Or if last year was great, that this year will be even greater. We have to hold on and anticipate that something with happen. Will make things different.

The sad thing is. 2008 still exists. By standards of "time" and definitions..it has passed. But the elements that made up 2008 still exist. In today, in tomorrow, and in yesterday.

I never really make resolutions. Or at least I haven't. I don't think a new year should make people want to change, or alter. You should decide that yourself, on your own time. Don't wait until January 1st to start that diet, or quite smoking, or start walking everyday. Just do it. Don't plan it, just let it happen. Don't wait for a new year to make you want to change. If you really want to change. You won't wait. You will do.

I usually do a tribute to the year that has passed. But in all honesty, 2008 was a struggle. I was tested in every single way I possibly could. All my greatest fears, came true. And every other thing I thought wouldn't happen, did. It was like the olympics for my character. The ultimate challenge.

I will and would not take it back though. I learned a lot about myself and my limits. Or lack thereof. I do look back on 2008 with a few smiles. I did have some great laughs, some great times, but the majority of the time, was spent struggling.

However, I would like to thank every my friends and my family (All whom can judge for themselves if I am speaking to them). Thank you for helping 2008 be just a little bit easier. Every talk, laugh, hug, or time spent was great. You will never know how much it means to me.

So let's go get it. Full throttle ahead for "2009".

ARCHIEVE 17

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Times like these...
Current mood: aggravated
I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened to time. It's too cliche' to say that it seems to have slipped by. It has. And I don't know where the hell it went. Days are turning into weeks, weeks into months, and what next? Will I wake up of this subconscious and realize that the past x-amount of time has been a complete waste?

The Virgo inside me, hates to waste time. But I feel like I am just completely lost. I don't know where to even begin my days anymore. I have waited the longest time to move and get out of the proximity of Rockland, Maine. But it feels like ever since I left, I have been completely stripped of everything that belonged to me.

My friends, my room, my family, my pets, my things, my LIFE. How come it all seems to have disappeared by one move? I don't know where to start my life again. Create the type of life I had. Things to do, people to see, things to learn, places to go. I miss having that sort of agenda. I crave it.

With the absence of having an independence of my own, I have just become cold. Emotionally plain. I barely laugh, I hardly smile, anything that used to excite my life...is just so dull.

I find myself looking at the past at times. Not really the far back past, but just a few months ago. It's almost as if I crave some pain right now. I crave that September where my life was a complete mess. I cried half the time and was slightly miserable at times. But at least I was FEELING. Feeling something. And when I cried, I cried. And when I laughed, I laughed my fucking ass right off. I had reasons to get up, and reasons to go to bed. I was living.

So why in times of desperation, are we ready to settle for pain? Is something better than nothing? I just need something. I need something to shake me to my core again, and get me going. I feel like my life has been put on pause, yet I am watching it go past me. What will make the "pause" button lifted?

I'm ready to feel. I'm ready to grow. I'm ready to sweat. I'm ready to laugh. I'm ready to work. I'm ready to just, live. Feel like I am living life. Not going through the motions. I would rather make up my own choreography, thank you.

ARCHIEVE 16

Friday, November 14, 2008

What is left of us.
Current mood: thoughtful
First loves. First loves. First, goddam loves.

It's like eating a box of Krispy Kreme's, It's delicious until time settles in and you see that what seemed so innocent. Wasn't innocent after all.

I always wondered why first loves always seemed so fatal. Why it's inevitable that they lift you so high, and drop you to the ground. Why do our first experiences with love, seem to be so painful.

Is it the title itself? "First love", implying that there will be loves to follow.

My first love was a painful and rewarding experience, as I imagine most of ours are. It's not often that I speak about him, or even remember that he exists. But he does, somewhere in the world, and somewhere in my memory.

I feel like I would be more bitter. Considering what he did, to me physically and emotionally. It's true that some scars never heal. The ones on my back, stomach and shoulder still haven't gone away. They probably never will.

In all honesty, I have never wish for anything but good things for him. Call me sick and twisted. I don't know how it happened like this in my heart, or my head. I feel like I have every right to be bitter and angry. But I'm not.

ARCHIEVE 15

Saturday, November 08, 2008

It’s what we really are....
Current mood: confused
Category: News and Politics
This afternoon when I was in the shower, I had a thought. Not a dirty one.

So with Proposition 8 being passed and all...I had to think what allowed this. How in the world would people feel the need to separate others? Especially with something like marriage. Even though I don't think I will be one to get married: the option is always nice to have.

Well I came up with my version of the answer. Minorities are self created. We as people, create them. The minute we say "He's black, he's gay, he's straight, she's short, she's fat, they're retarded, they're poor, she's rich, she's a prude, he's a slut"....we are pouring those words into the segregation we have created amongst us. We keep labeling people by all these "observations" that we make. We keep making people into all these other things than what they really are: People.

That's it. The minute we can stop pushing our self righteousness on people. Labeling them into smaller and smaller groups-so we can all feel superior. It's why we do it. Label people and degrade people, so that we can internally (for some of us really internally) feel better or feel superior. Because if we put all these labels on people, and we don't put labels on ourselves, then we feel better.

I don't think as a human race we can get past this. I mean, I believe we will be fighting for "minorities" forever. It was African Americans, Interracial marriage, now gay marriage. And as a society, we will keep suppressing other people's rights because it makes us feel more empowered.

We should just look at people and see them for what they REALLY are. People. That's it, and nothing else, just plain old people.

ARCHIEVE 14

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Weather Girl, Where did you go?
I always thought to myself: Where does confidence come from? How did/do we get it? I remember the night before Halloween, Niomi, Chris and I were at Wal*Mart and there were a few heavier set girls, and they were wearing extremely raunchy clothing. At one point I could actually see their underwear. The point is: Where did they get that confidence? Not saying it's wrong to have it. But so many of us are constantly trying to chisel away the perfect human being, and then there are people who are just fine: with who they are. How does that happen?

Like, is it from constant appraisal that we get our first boost of confidence? Or is it from ourselves. Our own personal observations? Confidence usually has some kind of foundation, but who/what builds that, for us to either tear down or build up upon....

Also with confidence, comes the line. Where exactly is the line between confidence and being egotistical? And how to we become too confident? Better yet, how do some people have no confidence at all? I mean, you have to believe in yourself somewhat, right?

I don't know where my confidence comes from. Probably from the fact that I have overcome so many things in my life. The fact that when people doubted, I was vindicated in the end. Vindication. Is that the key to confidence? It sure does give you a sense of empowerment.

I was having a discussion last night, about just how funny it is, that I forget so much about my life. I forget who I have been, what I have done, what I have seen, what I have heard. I feel like I am twenty five. I even shock myself when I am reminded by what my age really is. I just sit there and am all "Really, only eighteen, I mean there must be a mistake...". Maybe I am an old soul.

But it scares the shit out of me, knowing that in the eighteen amassed years of my life-I can only recollect so much. There are hundreds and hundreds of days where I don't remember a single thing. I don't want to, not remember a day of my life. I could have a good 60+ years ahead of me-so how many time in total am I going to remember how I felt then, what I was wearing, what the weather was like. Like, how come we just don't remember things like that? How come sometimes when days go by you never hear from them again? Like they never happened or something.

Some day I should make a list of things that I remember. Maybe in the next blog.

ARCHIEVE 13

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Connected.
How come we all feel so separated, but really, we are all so connected?

I find it weird how everyone in the world is literally only separated by connections. Like how I am only, like, four degree's away from Madonna. My Uncle's wife, taught Madonna's daughter to ride a horse when they lived in NYC. Weird.

I was browsing someone's myspace today and saw that they had been friends with one of my friends. Weirdd. I would never think that they knew each other either. And how they are friends with this guy that went to the same college I was going to attend.

Who knows what that is all about? And when I watched this old video from Portland Pride in 2006, I was watching and noticed Josh's ex boyfriend in the video. I pause it and look closer and there is Josh. We were connected already-two years ago. Strange, strange, strange. Is it a small world after all?

There is a JCPenney's "ONE DAY ONLY SALE" commercial on television right now. I can't help but to laugh every time I see one. Do you notice their "ONE DAY ONLY SALE"'s happen, like, twice a month.

On other notes. Thank whatever higher being there is for having Obama win. I got really emotional when I saw him make his speech. Probably because I feel like he has all the will and power to turn America around.

I get afraid and doubt my ability sometimes. When I write songs I wonder how that song is going to turn out to be innovative. How that song will stick out from the millions of other songs out there preaching about similar things. I truly believe it is a combination of the artist and the song that creates the "success" a song has. We can get more into that another time. How do we become revolutionary artists of our time?

I feel like I should share my music more publicly, but there will always be that little flicker of not wanting to face judgement. I can lead my "no judge" revolution, but that doesn't mean that everyone in my life is going to hop on board. I recognize the mere stares that people give me when I mention my artistry. I guess it fuels people like me to do better.

Fall is ending, Winter is beginning. Christmas is creeping up. Sadly as I have gotten older, I lose my interest in holidays as a whole. Don't get me wrong, I do still love them, but when you are little, holidays are a flag point in a year. Sometime when you can get gifts ect. When you get older you can kind of provide for yourself. But I do love that Christmas cheer.

I wrote a song, primarily about parties in this sense, but I can relate it to this issue. Shouldn't everyday be a holiday? A celebration? Why wait for this certain date for things to be any different than they should be today? I wrote a song on how people get so distracted with spending 500k on these lavish parties. At the end of the night, what do you usually say you had the most fun doing? Usually spending time with the people and dancing/singing/any other musical related activity. It's the fundamentals. Come the nights end, are you gonna really appreciate where you had the party, what you ate, what everyone was wearing? Probably not.

ARCHIEVE 12

Sunday, November 02, 2008

The trash still has it’s glamour
Current mood: accomplished
I always find myself unaware of elements in my life. I feel like I am emotionally immune to a lot of things. Disappointment, sorrow, anger. Just a few emotions I feel like I am incapable of feeling to the greatest extent.

I always seem to forget where I am. For example: The first hour waiting for Madonna, I forgot that I was about to see someone I have the greatest respect for as an artist. I just kind of sat there like I would in my living room. I don't know if that makes me grounded or if it makes me seem like I have an ego. All I could find myself concentrating on, was what I find myself always concentrating on: The Stage.

Maybe I am programmed this way. I know the feeling of being in front of thousands of people. It's the most familiar and exhilarating feeling to me. It's one feeling I will never be immune to. It's one of the best feelings in the world. I can't wait to get there. However I will get there, will be a story. I feel at home in front of people, primarily large crowds. I don't know what it seems to be. I don't get nervous, I just get anxious.

Although I seemingly have nothing to show for these couple of months that I have been doing "nothing" in the eyes of society-I have all the treasure I feel I could have. I have written quite a handful of songs. I have finally been able to write dance tracks, which have not been my forte. I am genuinely really proud of my work. I am not saying it's excellent, but I am proud of my progress.

Like I said, I know where I want to be. It's just getting there that is the problem. In the meantime I need to do what I can to work for it. Because nothing worth having, is never acquired without working for it.

ARCHIEVE 11

Monday, October 06, 2008

Sometimes.
Current mood: thoughtful
My heart had never raced so fast in my life. I felt like I was walking into a pool of sharks. Hoping that I could be spared from the bite. I hoped the decision I made, was right.

Sometimes things just happen. Sometimes you feel it and that is all you need. Who can tell what decision is ever ultimately the best one to be made? We can never know. We can continue to wonder, "what if?", but those wonders will never turn into conclusions. Sometimes it's like the universe is just working together for things to happen. And others, it seems like the universe is falling apart.

We feel -and- we do. There are thoughts and actions. Half our life is probably spent thinking-when we should be doing. I did. Who knows if my actions will ever bite me in the ass, but I know it was the right thing to do at the time. Sometimes you can't just think because by the time conclusions can be made, there isn't an opportunity of action anymore.

I don't know what will happen. I guess that is half the excitement of it all. Knowing that every day there is something new to be done-to be said-to be thought.

It was a rough month. Some elements still exist in my life. But now it just feels like it never happened. It's as if it's this tiny memory in the back of my mind. I know it happened, but for what is going on now. It doesn't seem to accredit the time that has elapsed in the past month. It's like a childhood memory that needs a lot of encouragement to be remembered fully.

Sometimes we are just running all the time. Running to some kind of destination-some kind of point. There will be a point when our bodies just can't run anymore. Sometimes the best thing that can happen-is to turn around-take a break-and walk back.

ARCHIEVE 10

Thursday, October 02, 2008

I am breaking up:With myself
Current mood: peaceful
I looked outside after my piano lessons.
Fall is most definitely here.

Sometimes I wonder if it's the *higher being's* choice to have me be alone during my favorite time of the year. It's not exactly something I fully understand. But every relationship that has come to fall-has ended either right now or before this point. It could be that I become more productive every fall (because I seemingly do). It usually seems like the fall tends to become the "beginning of my year". I always find myself starting or creating new things for myself. Prepping for a better future.

I have had the strangest revelations lately. I have just had a lot of weird ways of living my life come into my life. I find myself calmer about things. Looking at the bigger scheme. I have all this chaos. Pure chaos around me. I feel like I am in the middle of a twister. But yet-since I am in the middle. I feel so grounded. I mean, the only misery I really have right now. Is misery about losing something I found very important in my life. Josh was a big priority for me. I wish I had more time to just love him ect.

We are all people. My dad said to me today-when he asked what was wrong. I said "I lost something really important to me". Then he replied: "You are such a good kid, you don't deserve this" or something along those lines. The underlying point he was getting at-was the fact that since I am a "good person" I deserve "good things". The truth is. We are all people. No matter who we are/what we do/have done-or anything-ultimately makes us better than other people. Just because of who we are-doesn't mean we deserve better than anyone else. We don't. We all need to learn lessons. We all need to go through things. Just because someone says I am a "good person" doesn't mean I am exempt from having to do things in life.

"The Last Lecture" states that no job is beneath us. It's true. If you are a Madonna or The local prostitute-doesn't make you any less worthy or exempt from a certain job. People just need to get over themselves.

Why do we always sweat the small stuff? God. Half of most of our days is spent worrying or paying attention to things that just don't fucking matter. My mom yelled at my sister for fifteen minutes today because she left the cookie package open. I mean, in all honestly. It takes SO much more energy to yell and cause a scene about a situation then it is to just deal with it yourself and move on. Does it really matter much if the cookie package was left open? Why do we need to waste so much energy in the dumbest things? I used to make such a huge deal about Josh smoking. It really just irritates me how much time I wasted in our relationship on just bitching about it. Why couldn't I just get over it? You need to pick your battles in life. Some things are just not worth fighting. Yelling about a cookie package being left open. Not worth it. Bitching about smoking-when it's not your body. Not worth it. Freaking out because the cat got out accidentally. Not worth it. Missing your favorite show on TV-when clearly there will be a re-run. Not fucking worth it.

PICK. Battles.

Decide what will be worth it in the long run. Clearly some things will not matter. They won't have an impact on your future. Deal with it yourself. And move on.

I came to a few conclusions today.

- I almost feel like I am happier when I am without tons of money. Money makes the world go around. It's sick. I almost feel like channeling my inner Christopher McCandless sometimes. Just leave. Donate the money to my name-to charity-people who would do better things with it than me. Get in a car and just leave. It's a selfish thing to do. But not really. What you would be doing is actually selfless. Living off the land. Or just moving to the city. Living as a squatter. Like the characters in "Rent". We are so wrapped around money. Getting things we don't need. Spending all this time working-jobs we hate-to buy things, we don't really NEED. (That was almost a direct quote from "Fight Club"). In all honesty, do I NEED 100 shirts? One will cover me up. I almost feel like I would be happy making just enough money to only buy the things I need. We get so romanced in only being able to pay for the things that make us happy.

Shouldn't happiness be found in other places than where you can put your money? The only thing I can feel right paying for that makes me happy. Is musical things. Keyboard. Guitar. CD's. But will buying that jacket at the GAP I have been eyeing really fill some part of my soul? Shouldn't we find happiness in just living? Cherishing each day. Caring about the people who are in your life. Enjoying company. Going for a walk. Listening to that new CD. I feel like to many people find happiness in the places that will never fill us.

- And then I have this side of me. I feel almost like I have this alter-persona sometimes. When I hear a great song. It just really takes me over. I have been known for just being such an entertainment at dances or in public (with music playing) because the music just controls me. Put on "Just Dance" by Lady Gaga and I will switch my mood or activity to dance or sing. It's almost crazy. It's the performer part of me. The part of me that loves to create music, entertain. Take people away from their troubles for a second to watch me either make a fool out of myself or kick some ass.

- I always said. If I could sell out arena's and venue's for free. Not get paid. I would. It's just what I love to do. It's a passion. I love to create a performance and just perform it. I want to feel people's energy. I want to take people away and just let themselves lose their problems in the midst of a good time. I almost see myself just donating large sums of my "money" to charities. What will I do with that money? But 8 houses that I don't live in, because I travel all the time? Buy 12 cars that I can't drive, or pay someone to drive? But a designer bag, when I could really just use a plastic one, it still does the same thing. Carries objects.

I will say all these things. But there will be times that I embody exactly what I am preaching to myself not to do. It's easy to get caught up in this "life" we are suppose to live. It's almost like we have no control on some things. It is so true that we are never "free" or we are never "independent". We are so tied down to so many things and we can't help most of it. Living costs money. To get money-you work. To make "enough" money you work 40+ hours a week. You have to sleep, so there goes another part of our day. Then that small third that is left-we usually spend doing tasks we claim "need to be done". How much control do we really have over ourselves?

Switching my topics completely.

I am still hurt. I still have so much to give. How do you give to something that won't take it? I can't help but to want to give. I want to take care of him. I want to help him. I want to be there for him to turn to. His shoulder to cry on.

I just remember driving home with Michael the second time Josh and I ever hung out. It was rainy. All I could do is smile. I remember what it was like to fall asleep to his playlist with that illuminated blue light. His arm around me. Listening to "Gardenia" (as I am right now) when I got home that Sunday afternoon. Raining outside. Just doing simple things all day. I miss that simplicity. When chaos wasn't letting lose around me. I had someone I cared about-who cared about me. It was enough for me.

Sometimes I say to myself it's better to walk away from a situation. Then come back to it. In all reality. I needed to be away from Josh to realize how important he exactly was to me. I get so wrapped up in the little things. I got so distant from the bigger picture. I just feel so ready. Like Steve and Miranda in SATC:The Movie. They took two weeks apart. Came back to see if it was what they wanted. I know what I want-he knows what he wants. Wants don't always coincide. How discouraging.

It's difficult. To not be fed what you want to feed. I feel as if I just want to walk back. Just once more. I am just someone right now-who doesn't want their life to be all about them at the moment. I am almost tired just having things in my life just revolve around things I want to do. I just want to be there for another person. Not lose myself. But give myself. Why does everything have to be about ourselves? Sometimes it's okay to be selfish. But I am tired of it. I can let the other person be a little selfish-because I need a break.

I never. ever. Thought I would be feeling this way. My entire life - I was constantly working, working, working for my future. I need to settle down for a while. Just do what I feel like is right for the moment. I find myself debating, daily, about going on one of those missions to Africa or something. Spend 6 months helping children learn english and basic education. Get out of myself and just focus ..ing someone with their life. Like I said, I am so tired of selfish. It's time for me to give.

ARCHIEVE 9

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Heavy to Light
Strength.

Watching all the trainwrecks around my life, I need to ask myself: Where are people's inner strength?

Addictions are evil. From overspending, to smoking, to partying, and even narcotics. All of our failures of will power, eventually seem to take over people's lives, and the innocent ones that are gathered around it. I have been watching countless trainwrecks in my life over and over again throught the past 6 months. Just when they seem to repair themselves, the track gets broken again. How many falls does it take people to get back up again?

As much as I want to go by with my life, as strong as ever, trying to make my life seem untouched by bad judgements made by people so important in my life. I can't. I will get consumed in the accident. But there a good way to be a part of the accident. Instead of having things just try to "wait themselves out", I decide, I am going to be a part of the cure for the people I care about, not help feed their disease.

I need to be blunt, borderline harsh, and strong willed. The people that need to hear it, can't do it for themselves. It's okay to fail, but it's not okay to wrap yourself in your failures and nurture self pitty. Rise up.

I don't know how we get or lose our inner strength, which triggers really let it all go, but I have to encourage everyone: Fight. You know if something isn't good for you. If people tell you, you have gone to far, the see something you can't see within yourself.

As with everything in life, I need to just wait this out. I have faith this will turn out to be the best in some form. I could be foolish, but the thought helps everyone to keep pushing. It will start of heavy, but you will build strength enough to make it lighter in the end.

ARCHIEVE 8

Sunday, May 25, 2008

The only thing that stays the same, is change.
Current mood: thoughtful

Apparently I just kind of put in the back of my mind, how everyone in my life has changed so much over the course of 9 months.

With Steve's welcome home part, welcomed the sudden realization that the worlds of the lives that I surround myself with....have all been corrupted. Even though some things happen to you day-to-day, you kind of forget how much of an impact some events are. From divorce's to new adopted behaviors. We all kind of neglect the importance that some of these things have on some people's lives.

I just found it odd how many people in my life have just adopted the "it's okay, things will get better" motive on life. I am a firm believer in this motto, but I couldn't help to wonder. Even though I know from experience, that things do get better...but with time. Are people taking in this outlook on life as a sign of hope that they can someday, breakaway from this?

Also a discussion that I was talking to someone about this weekend. I used to tell myself that these infectious people that have corrupted this town are just a product of Rockland. That these types of people in high school were just people in high school. The more I realize that there will always be these types of people everywhere. Anywhere I look, I am sure I will find people that mimick the persona's I surround myself with everyday. It kind of just escaladed this whole discussion about re-incarnation. How many times can a soul be made until it starts to mirror ones that already exhist? How many times can you be original until you become manufactured?



Also with the entire weekend came the confrontation of the "real deal". How people tend to always put up a wall in public places, but when they go home, they morph into different people. How people have entire sides of themselves that people don't ever see. A new understanding on how people can be "fake". What we do in our down time can reflect the people we are. I just though it was so interesting how you see people everyday and you are given these assumptions on their lives. As you dig deeper and deeper you find out that there are trenches of emotions and behaviors that your assumptions could never detect. Are we becoming more honest people or are we just mastering how to be fake?

Another thing that was brought up, was repetition. Even in our everyday lives, exists behaviors we do in repetion.Whether it is brushing your teeth or victimizing yourself. We all have certain behaviors that we have nurtured into our lives. But what breaks certain cycles? Things like alcohol abuse and emotional tendencies, how many times do we have to repeat things until there is a need for change? I see people repeating the same destructive behaviors in their lives, constantly telling themselves how they wish they could change. What really pushes people to stop recycling and start throwing things away for good?

Needless to say, I have had a pretty intellectual weekend. The things I have come in contact with made me reflect a lot ..s of "life's questions". It has been very interesting to kind of sit back and think of the lives and life of my own. How I fit into all of these quesitons as well as my peers.

ARCHIEVE 7

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Decisions, Decisions


Well the past certaily has creeped up on my in the past couple of weeks. From blogs, to music, to pictures...I am finding that I am constantly being reminded that I have a history. My struggles are becoming more and more evident as I pull through the latest. As I begin to strive, I wonder if strives constantly spark the remains of the emotions that were never felt. The memories that were never desired to be remembered. All of which, make you appreciate your gains because of your losses.

Everytime I am approaching a seemingly good point in my life, I remenisce into where I have come from. Is it that I have to remember the pain to appreciate the pleasure?

Going away, I am afraid...I will feel nostalgic. I know in my heart and in my being..that London is what I have always wanted. I feel like the opportunities that I seek are waiting there. However, the events that have chronicled the past few months..have made me feel otherwise. It's a game of pick and choose, where I can pick opportunities there v. what I could have here. It all comes to the question I always thought was a no brainer in my life. But now my answer is becoming more drenched in "if's and maybe's". I know I should go with my impulse (which is to leave)...but what will happen to all the the remains I will leave behind?

It's a game of sacrifice. Some things I will give up, in hopes for gaining the loss in other places. Can I ever really fill the void in my life, that could be a result of my triumph (or mistake)? Should I give up a passion for a passion? If I give up one passion and don't gain the other...where would I be without an passion in my life? Nothing to spark my day and make the sun shine a little brighter.

Despite all my conflicting thoughts. I am actually in a happy place right now. Coming from a low, I can appreciate the little things a lot more..all over again. Even though I honestly don't get to worked up over too many things (because emotionally I don't seem to).

I honestly never thought I would be seeing someone. I swore myself that I would not get into another relationship. Especially with the lack of success of all it's successors. However, when you feel as strongly as I do..its ridiculous to say no. Although we haven't known eachother for a while, it's one of those "where have you been all my life" things. I feel relationships are private, so I won't really go further...but I am really happy with everything. I smile a bit more, if that gives any clues =D

(Plus I want to avoid the annoying little girl/boy who is already hopelessly in love...when it has been less than 3 minutes, ha)

With more news. I am trying to pull together songs in my mass collection of lyrics. I am kind of ADD with my writing. I kind of go all over the place and never really finish composing a single song..rather ideas for... fifty. Haha. I am getting better though, even though there is a lack of evidence there.
Graduation is still creeping around the corner. Now more than ever....

I want the get the hell out of this school.
=D
I feel like I am through with high school and anything it could have offered me. It was a great time with many memories, but I am ready to move onto my dreams...and what I have always wanted in life.

With that, I have a nice little weekend ahead of me. Boston on Friday..then Portland on Saturday and Sunday. I am smiling right now incase you were wondering

ARCHIEVE 6

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

"Because I see things now, in these memories"

The past.

The events that have come to mold the people we are today. The struggles and strives composed to make up a history of our lives.

I feel like I walked into a time portal today. Everything that I had forgotten about suddenly came back and hit me in the face. While Niomi decided to blog on "Diaryland", I remembered I had one...a million years ago. Reading this whole different person who identified with my name...took me back. From the way I wrote, to the lyrics I put in my profile. It was all a fossil in time...proof that those feelings were real. Proof that those events in my life...actually happened.

In all honesty, it AMAZES me....how much I have evolved as a person. It's something I always put in the back of my mind, but seeing it in my face.....was a reminder. It was a reminder of all the smiles I have shown, all the ... yes..tears I have cried, all the people I have be-friended, all the friendships that have ended, all my evolutions of style, different haircuts, "mother figures" in my life. All these things you forget about as soon as they are not an event in your life anymore.



It's strange how we do this as human beings. Why do we get so caught up in the present, that we forget where we have came from? Is it all part of staying "grounded"? But don't you find it weird that you don't think about these daily...only because they are not in your life anymore? What happens to the people that die...are they forever forgotten..except when those memories get sparked?



Anyways I am babbling. Thinking of my freshman year. After seeing that journal, it's almost as if I climbed in a time machine. I could suddenly remember all the feelings, the scents, the emotions...the struggles. 2005 was a very important year for me...it feels like yesterday now that I have been in those "moments" where everything comes back. But honestly...three years ago...THREE years! Where has time gone..? Anyone want to tell me ^___^

ARCHIEVE 5

Friday, May 02, 2008

"It’s just so hard to believe it’s over and it’s done"
Current mood: chill

The time has passed by so riddiculously fast, even though it seems as if it would last forever. As my last month of school rolls around, I find myself in denial about closing this chapter of my life. Thirteen years of comfort and having the same routine will be a terrifying addiction to break.

Graduation is the stepping stone into "the real world", wherever that may lead us. I am so thrilled to start the rest of my life, persue my dreams and become what I have always wanted to be. The passage seems so surreal though. Waking up and not going to RDHS and seeing the same people everday. All the faces of comfort I will miss seeing. I nearly barfed when I saw the senior scheduale, the outline of the ending chapter.

This has become such a fun and memorable chapter in my life. High school will forever hold it's special place in my heart. We all have to move on, but does it have to be so sudden? I remember sitting in class freshman year and complaining how it will be forever until I leave.

Senior year alone has been amazing. From Mrs.Bierenbaums class, to yearbook, to my deveopment of my sense of humor, to debates in Goverment & Economics, to Mrs. Smith and Niomi being best friends, to my AMAZING experience with cheering and my incredible team members, to all the personal struggles I have overcome, to my new gained independence, to my lunched by myself at ABC, to the afternoons of art club, to backstage laughs at the musical, to the cast parties that got out of hand, to singing spice girls with prom committee, to seeing the spice girls life and fufilling my childhood dream, to touching Geri Halliwell's hand, to my best year of fashion yet, to my walks with Niomi, to my supportive friends, to being caught dancing by Niomi's mom, to realizing what I finally have a passion for in life (what I live for), to the track team laughs, to doing nothing in Video Production, to the people who have been and left my life, to trying to overcome my family issues, to walks in the morning and going to the cafeteria and never buying anything, to paying Kathy back enormous sums of money, to the conventions I went to, the bus rides in the morning, to singing "Who Do You Think You Are" and "Stop" in the hallways everyday, to accepting things as they come and knowing we struggle and we strive....

And it's not even over yet.

I could not even possibly put down all the memories amassed in my high school career. Countless laughs, cries, struggles, strives, falls, climbs, friendships, relationships, decisions, consequences...I could go on

London will be great. It will be the getaway I have needed all my life. A place for me to work on what I want to become. A place for me to nurture my dreams and my hopes. I just hope that if I work hard enough, I will be rewarded. I am ready for the struggle and the work, just as long as I get there.

I will miss my friends, my aquaintences, my peers. Starting over will be so fresh, but so scary.



Other than graduation, I can honestly say I am in a good place. My friendships have never been stronger, my family has gotten tighter, and the new people in my life have been amazing to get to know. I am looking forward to see how things will play out.

Madonna and Mariah came out with new albums (my inner gay man channels in my love for these women) both amazing and addicting. =D Looking forward to both of their tours.

Maddox is doing amazing. I will be honest, I don't like little kids, but I love this baby..more than anything in the world. Not to be korny and cliche', he is just incredible.



So that's my life, updated. There isn't too much to talk about. College is still a process and a stress bubble, but it will be over soon, hopefully. In the spirit of graduation, I wrote a song I might sing at inspiration, I don't think I will post the lyrics now, just because I want some more feedback first. I will say though (not to toot my own horn) but I love it.



I hope everyone is doing great. And Take Care =D

ARCHIEVE 4

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Claire de Lune
Bonjour,
I had a very nice vacation ( a little extra due to a snow day ) and thought I would share a few things. For one, this is the first vacation that actually felt like vacation. It wasn't really hectic and I always had something to do, but didn't HAVE to do anything. It was just mellow and I am glad I got to have it.

I went to Boston over break and that was a lot of fun. Kristina and I took the bus down and the train back, it was short but fun. The city is amazing and I can't wait to get out of Maine to experience it. Even though I will be in London which is larger than Boston, it will be a similar experience to be in a city. The lights were beautiful around Newbury St., Quincy Market, and Downtown Crossing. It was a nice breath of fresh air (not literally though, haha) to really get away from Maine.

Cheering is going great and I am happy that I finally have my back handspring. The routine is being polished and all of our stunts are hitting, so thats really exhilarating.

On another note I saw both Into the Wild and Atonement over vacation. They are both AMAZING movies. Atonement is a beautiful tragic love story about two lovers who are torn apart by a little girls lie. It is just a great story and James Mcavoy and Kiera Knightly are amazing as the leads. The story is very touching and tragic.

Into the Wild was downright groundbreaking. The directing really helped people capture the emotion that was needed to make the film as powerful as the book. They are kind of different from each other, but they are both amazing as separates. The acting is great and you really feel like you get to know Chris McCandless while you watch the movie. It gives you the same type of feeling as the book and I would strongly recommend everyone to watch the film. It is just great.

So the title of the blog is one of my favorite classical songs by Debussy, it's relaxing. They use it in my favorite commercial, the Chanel No. 5 commercial with Nicole Kidman. They also use it in Atonement.

So have a good week everyone!

ARCHIEVE 3

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Headlines.
Today was the day that we cherish the things we are thankful for.

I saw August Rush today. I can't even tell anyone how amazing it is. I cried because it was just so beautiful and I recommend it to anyone. The story is just so touching and I don't want to give too much away. The entire thing was amazing, from beginning to end. The music and everything was amazing. GO SEE IT.

It opened my eyes to a lot of things that I am thankful for.

I am thankful for my friends. Especially the ones who have been there no matter what. Kristina and Niomi, I love you two more than words could even tell you. Thank you so much for being there in my life and helping me through any struggles from a to z. You will never know how much I appreciate every little time we have together.

I am thankful for music. Music has helped me express myself artistically and as a person. It has given me the strength through the roughest times, given me empowerment in my triumphs, given me a soundtrack to my life. Without music I would not be who I was today. Would not have discovered the feelings I have. It has given me a shoulder to lean on, and I know that no matter what, music will always be there for me. It will never go away.

I am thankful for love. That includes my relationship with Adam. He holds a very special place in my heart, as much as I don't like his character, I can't deny that I loved him. Whether he believes it or not he has a place in my heart. The love we shared changed me to who I was and who I will become. I thank him for every second we spent together. I thank love for giving me a reason to get up every morning. Everyone loves something. It could be going to class, your partner, your cat, or your bed. Love exists in the strangest forms. I thank love for giving me a reason to live, and a passion to spark my days.

I am thankful for my life. In all forms. I am thankful to wake up everyday and live it the way I want to. I am thankful I can wake up and start over or continue a magical moment. Every day that I live, I cherish. We never know when we will be leaving Earth, so we should all really soak in the beauty of life. It's all around us. It's in the way the sun shines through the remaining autumn leaves. It's the way your cheerio's are arranged in your milk. It's the way you laugh at something funny. Everything is beautiful, if you give it a chance.

Lastly, I am thankful for my family. Although we have disputes. I love them all. They have always been there. No questions needed. They are my structure that I can fall back on. I thank them for being there through the roughest times, and watching me in my strives.

Remember everyone. Just because it's thanksgiving, doesn't mean that we shouldn't be thankful for all of these everyday. LIVE life, and enjoy everything it brings. I mean that to the fullest extent.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone

ARCHIEVE 2

Monday, November 12, 2007

The Lady Is A Vamp
Aloha,
So this week has been sort of eventful but in Rockland, nothing is really that intellectually stimulating.

I got my spice girls tickets this week. The seats are absolutely incredible, we are sitting right next to the catwalk and it should be amazing. It should be really great to see them all together since it was a big part of my childhood. I think I am excited for the purpose of the tour. A reunion. Feeling that empowering feeling of having that bond again with people you shared such a huge chunk of your life with. The feeling they must have must be amazing.

The play opened this weekend. Even though we didn't have a full house because it kind of sucks, it was a great time. I am really satisfied with how it ended up, it could have been a lot worse. I also go to see Carrie, my lover, and just had a great time. I went to lunch in Camden with Jade, Michael, Carrie and her roommate and it was a really good time. It was nice to have everyone together again. The the cast parties were really fun. A lot of crazy dancing, but fun none the less. One more weekend to go!

Bayli and I decided to move London to April since she will want to be home for a while after South Africa, and it will give me more time to get spending money. My application is pending at AIU London and they are sending me my last stuff and I should know soon!

I read the book "Looking for Alaska" today, in all it's glory. It's an amazing book and I recommend it to everyone. I am so glad I picked it for my book report. The story is very touching and I don't really want to tell anything about it rather than it's a great book.

So the relationship thing is hovering. I don't really want to chat much about it just for safety sake. But things are going nice.

Danielle and my dad found out the sex of their baby this week. It's a boy which is exciting. His name will be Maddox, how cute. She's due in another 5 months!

Well I can't think of much else to write. Nothing too intellectual this week. I will update more later.

Have a good week everyone :)

ARCHIEVE 1

Monday, June 25, 2007

Storms
This blog was written a while ago, and I found it in a document on my computer and I liked the metaphors and such in it, so i thought I would share it.

Blue toned and rainy was the mood of today. It started out sunny and warm, and collected. Then what seemed to slowly venture into a disaster. Metaphorically I guess you can call this my current relationship. What started off so exciting, sunny and bright, became once again just another storm.

I am sitting here pondering what exactly this recent storm may actually mean. Will this be like most little storms, and after the quick bitterness is gone, it will leave room for many bright and sunny days to follow? Or is this like a natural disaster where it leaves no mercy and the remains are scattered all over the place, leaving very little hope things will return to what they once were? I am like someone going through the storm, both metaphorically and realistically, waiting and wondering what the outcome will be.

I am not sure why this storm has happened when I thought things were kind of going pretty good. But when you are neglected from someone that you are in a relationship with, I find it difficult to move anywhere but backwards. What even hurts more than that is when you feel like you are the only person who is trying to move the relationship anywhere. I mean, relationships are a two party thing right? What one does, must be met by the other, am I not correct?

Despite a fued and still recent bitterness, nothing can help how I feel, and no matter what I cannot deny that I miss him. I don't know why thought, I can go periods of time and not care, and then there are times like these when all you want really is just someone to be there with you. I can't help that right now I feel really hurt and almost degraded. But then again I can't help with feeling hurt by someone to desire a change. I don't know if this is a change of things completely, and ending this before it does have the potential of becoming not a storm but a natural disaster, or sticking through and realizing that storms come and go, like everything does in a relationship.

If anyone knows relationships, it is me. I am quickly able to recognize the fact that yes, indeed we do have ups and downs in everything. But is there a correct balance before a relationship becomes too much work? What if you seem to have more downs than ups? And are those ups really worth it to put up with all those downs? Is there a pleasure or a guilty pleasure in the relationship, should I relocate my desires of why I am in this in the first place? All of these questions continue to baffle me because I really don't know what to do right now other than just wait. Wait for the storm to get worse or for the storm to end.

INTHESTARS.

For days my daily forecast (as far as astrology) has said that I am going to default a lot of my emotions on remember how good things used to be. From there, they said not to waste that energy in reminiscing on how things were, and let memories be just that: Memories.

I think my daily forecast at times make me believe in messages in the stars more and more. I would say that I am pretty convinced in astrology, mostly because the role that it has played in my relationships with people have been very true. Not to mention how astrology has outlined my life, which has also been very true.

I feel like lately I have been on kind of another spiritual journey. After all of what has happened over the past year, it's expected that one kind of re-establishes their values and what exactly they want to do with their lives. Traumatic experiences really only shape us for the better and all we can really do with them is collect it as an experience and move forward. Just keep moving on.

My journey this time isn't really about my purpose in life, because I have a really tight belief in what I am supposed to do with my life. I think that my journey this time is kind of re-discovering how I am going to find that sense of happiness again. I am an overall pretty chill guy, but I'm complicated none the less. On my happy days, I'm still haunted by recent events in my life. I want to work on really coming to an end of the day and smiling for everything I am grateful for in life. Because there is so much. At times it's just hard not to get caught up in wishing that my father could be there to listen to my good days, or that this whole thing was just a little easier. It never will be. Which is fine. But I need to find a sense of peace and serenity within myself again. It's been gone for too long.

So how will I find it? How will I keep it? What makes me smile anymore? I need to find it one way or another. Re-reading a lot of my favorite books will help in the meantime, surrounding myself with new atmospheres and interesting new people will help me find a new sense of identity. I need to exhaust the tools I have to finding a new sense of who I am.

I am fortunate that I live in Brooklyn so I can still see the stars at night, they help me remember my inspirations. And as cheesy as it is, it reminds me that the sky is the limit.

I have the city at my hands. I should take time everyday to find out what I am going to take from it. I have so many idea's, but it's time for those ideas to leave my head and transfer into energy I am emitting.

NYSTATEOFMIND.

New York State of Mind.

When I try to explain life in Maine to people who live in New York, I often come up with a quick-but accurate sentence. "It's comfortable". I've quickly realized that is what Maine has become for so many people in my life. Including myself.

My co-workers and I were sitting in Bryant Park today enjoying some free Coke Zero and some "Crumbs" cupcakes...somehow we ventured into the topic of marriage. All of us quickly agreed that neither of us really want to get married. With that revelation I thought to myself-this might be the first time I have been in a group where everyone seemed to have the same views on marriage.

If I were to talk to a handful of people I know in Maine, 80% of them are either married already, or hoping for that day to get married. I was always puzzled why people my age, were so quick to get paired off. And to eventually get divorced. Then I put a lot of things together and came up with a solution:

Comfort.

The difference between most young people who live in NYC and young people who live in Maine-is the pace of life. Maine oozes comfort and a relaxed attitude, so most people nestle inside the comfort and accept simple ambitions in life. As society deems it, they do it. It makes me sad that some people either don't realize their full potential, or don't have the ambition to reach it. It's about the comfort of a place like Maine. The pace of life is so steady and slow, it's really easy to get lost in time.

In NYC, the energy is equally addictive. People are always racing. Chasing after their next appointment, their job, their home, or after their dreams. Being a part of that energy makes you want more for yourself. Time doesn't become something passive anymore. It becomes precious. Every second spent, could be spent doing something else, so you better be spending that five minutes the most productive way you see imaginable. Talking to people in NYC is all the aspiration you need. Most people are out their doing what they need to do to reach some kind of goal. There seems to be a greater feeling of purpose that people have for their lives in NYC.

So that's the difference. When you are in an environment that nurtures comfort and a slow paced life. You will become consumed in that and your life will quickly become a nice big fluffy pillow. It sounds fun. Great even. But most people seem to look back at their lives and have more regrets and thoughts of "what happened to the time" when they are in a constant state of comfort.

When you are in an atmosphere where you are made to believe that time is precious. You believe it. And you want to make the most of what you are doing. At the end of the day, you can usually list of the events that happened in the day and feel overwhelmed but satisfied with what your day was filled with. Not knowing what will happen next and always racing around, breeds a sense of discomfort. But that discomfort is a catapult to work for something.

I would rather not be in a sense of comfort everyday. Comfort entails a lot of the same thing over and over again. That's how things become comfortable. They have been done over and over-therefor they are easy and simple. But I would rather live everyday knowing that something great can happen if I work for it and if I am always going after it. And not knowing when it's coming is discomforting. But that is fine with me.

I wish a lot of people my age found their sense of purpose within. Not what society is telling them to do. Not what their peers are doing. But what genuinely makes them happy. What they would love to wake up everyday and love to do. Not feel comfortable with it, but have such a passion that a sense of the unexpected is welcomed in their lives.

We are young. We still have so many exciting years to live. So don't slow down now. Because time isn't slowing down for you. And if anything you are chasing after time, it certainly won't come looking for you.