I'm not entirely convinced anyone knows how hard it is to write a good pop song. I've been writing songs since I was like, 8 years old (most those songs are lost in my mind or in some dump somewhere), but I have only written in the last 12 years, maybe 7 songs that I can see being great pop songs. So that is like, one good pop song every 2 years. Fuck. hahahaha. That is why artists usually CO-write songs with people, unless you are Lady GodGa, who basically can do everything, including part the red sea and invent a cure for cancer, all while writing a Hot 100 hit.
I will say though, since I've been 18, I have written like...30 songs, or something RIDICULOUS like that. Maybe 10 of them are great, or going in a great direction. But when I go back to look at them, I usually pull stuff that is hidden under all the shitty lyrics and use them to make a different song. I try to write down any idea or melody that pops into my head, because I'll never know when I can use it.
I've been working on "Echo" for like, a year now, it's finallllly something really great I think. It helps that I feel like I have discovered a recipe for a great chart topper. That is definitely incorporated in that song. But it has a lot of meaning to me, so it's been easy to write, but hard to get the message simply across in a song. And something that is easy for people to digest. America doesn't like to work to figure out a song meaning, well nobody does, unless you are a music buff like me.
I've been getting back on Piano and trying to motivate myself more. I asked my Dad to help me with motivation and determination and I definitely think he has. And I need it.
So I hope this motivation lives inside of me for a long time. I need a constant hunger, it's the only way I will get anything done. If I constantly want it. Every now and then just will not do, so I need it to be all the time. I want to want it so bad that it hurts and there is nothing else I can do BUT work at it.
Here's to hoping 2011 is a big year for me and my future.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Drained. Empty. This year.
I kind of feel really bad for any men that ever get into a relationship with me.
I'm difficult, primarily because my past has left me so bruised, especially in the relationship sector. Not just with men, but my relationships with anyone, whether they be a friend or a simple passerby.
It takes a certain type of guy to handle me. Because I can be a lot to handle. I have emotional breakdowns, independence needs, a rocky past, an emotional past and a lot of love that I am so terrified to give away.
I also have a problem with becoming so engulfed in my love for someone that I can give my all to the relationship, and it just leaves me with very little for myself. And as much as I try to come off like I don't seem to care about myself, I do. When I am not able to give myself some time or the things that help me feel alive, I start to die down, and when I die down, I seem to take the closest person in my life with me. It's a horrible thing, but in a lot of ways the indirectly cause me that death inside.
Inevitably after a relationship fails, or even in the midst of one, I go through a self discovery and seem to want to draw more attention me, finding me. I always seem to get lost in relationships and I become this character, one that I really don't like to be. Maybe it's because when it's just me, I can just worry about my life, my time, my actions, my body, my apartment, my friends...me me me me me. Relationships are good for me to devote a section of myself to someone, but I always seem to devote a little too much....
And then that is where I lose myself and die. As morbid as that sounds, it is the complete truth. I need to learn to better manage my soul, I guess that is how I could describe it. I need to find that medium of doing the things I need to do to stay "alive" and the things "we" need to do to stay alive. I'm sure many people in, or who have been in relationships "feel" me on this :)
So why is it such a struggle? Why is it so hard for me to feel at peace with myself and with the life I created with someone else? I've beat this horse before, but sometimes I question if I was meant for relationships. I feel like I turn into this ugly person after a while and I lose myself in becoming that. And it sucks. I hate that part of me, and I want it to go away. But the only way to create change is to constantly work at it, and if I'm not working at it, I'm not changing.
It's been such a chaotic year. It's taken so much out of me. More than I thought I ever could have taken out. I've never felt so lost and out of place at times, but then I have also never felt more alive at times.
I need to stay "alive". I need to master the craft of keeping my spirit peaked so that it doesn't keep dying. I want to feel that hunger for life that I had. I know I still have it, it's just buried beneath the crumbled pieces of this last year.
I talk to my father almost everynight. Although he isn't alive, I feel like speaking to him helps me think that he can hear me, and help me out. I've been asking him some simple but difficult things. He's been helping me. I've been feeling more inspired, and finally figuring out more things with my music. As sad as I am at times that he isn't here with me anymore, I feel like he will keep me away from harm, and that he does watch over me like an angel. I just hope he doesn't stop.
I'm difficult, primarily because my past has left me so bruised, especially in the relationship sector. Not just with men, but my relationships with anyone, whether they be a friend or a simple passerby.
It takes a certain type of guy to handle me. Because I can be a lot to handle. I have emotional breakdowns, independence needs, a rocky past, an emotional past and a lot of love that I am so terrified to give away.
I also have a problem with becoming so engulfed in my love for someone that I can give my all to the relationship, and it just leaves me with very little for myself. And as much as I try to come off like I don't seem to care about myself, I do. When I am not able to give myself some time or the things that help me feel alive, I start to die down, and when I die down, I seem to take the closest person in my life with me. It's a horrible thing, but in a lot of ways the indirectly cause me that death inside.
Inevitably after a relationship fails, or even in the midst of one, I go through a self discovery and seem to want to draw more attention me, finding me. I always seem to get lost in relationships and I become this character, one that I really don't like to be. Maybe it's because when it's just me, I can just worry about my life, my time, my actions, my body, my apartment, my friends...me me me me me. Relationships are good for me to devote a section of myself to someone, but I always seem to devote a little too much....
And then that is where I lose myself and die. As morbid as that sounds, it is the complete truth. I need to learn to better manage my soul, I guess that is how I could describe it. I need to find that medium of doing the things I need to do to stay "alive" and the things "we" need to do to stay alive. I'm sure many people in, or who have been in relationships "feel" me on this :)
So why is it such a struggle? Why is it so hard for me to feel at peace with myself and with the life I created with someone else? I've beat this horse before, but sometimes I question if I was meant for relationships. I feel like I turn into this ugly person after a while and I lose myself in becoming that. And it sucks. I hate that part of me, and I want it to go away. But the only way to create change is to constantly work at it, and if I'm not working at it, I'm not changing.
It's been such a chaotic year. It's taken so much out of me. More than I thought I ever could have taken out. I've never felt so lost and out of place at times, but then I have also never felt more alive at times.
I need to stay "alive". I need to master the craft of keeping my spirit peaked so that it doesn't keep dying. I want to feel that hunger for life that I had. I know I still have it, it's just buried beneath the crumbled pieces of this last year.
I talk to my father almost everynight. Although he isn't alive, I feel like speaking to him helps me think that he can hear me, and help me out. I've been asking him some simple but difficult things. He's been helping me. I've been feeling more inspired, and finally figuring out more things with my music. As sad as I am at times that he isn't here with me anymore, I feel like he will keep me away from harm, and that he does watch over me like an angel. I just hope he doesn't stop.
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