ARCHIEVE 10

Thursday, October 02, 2008

I am breaking up:With myself
Current mood: peaceful
I looked outside after my piano lessons.
Fall is most definitely here.

Sometimes I wonder if it's the *higher being's* choice to have me be alone during my favorite time of the year. It's not exactly something I fully understand. But every relationship that has come to fall-has ended either right now or before this point. It could be that I become more productive every fall (because I seemingly do). It usually seems like the fall tends to become the "beginning of my year". I always find myself starting or creating new things for myself. Prepping for a better future.

I have had the strangest revelations lately. I have just had a lot of weird ways of living my life come into my life. I find myself calmer about things. Looking at the bigger scheme. I have all this chaos. Pure chaos around me. I feel like I am in the middle of a twister. But yet-since I am in the middle. I feel so grounded. I mean, the only misery I really have right now. Is misery about losing something I found very important in my life. Josh was a big priority for me. I wish I had more time to just love him ect.

We are all people. My dad said to me today-when he asked what was wrong. I said "I lost something really important to me". Then he replied: "You are such a good kid, you don't deserve this" or something along those lines. The underlying point he was getting at-was the fact that since I am a "good person" I deserve "good things". The truth is. We are all people. No matter who we are/what we do/have done-or anything-ultimately makes us better than other people. Just because of who we are-doesn't mean we deserve better than anyone else. We don't. We all need to learn lessons. We all need to go through things. Just because someone says I am a "good person" doesn't mean I am exempt from having to do things in life.

"The Last Lecture" states that no job is beneath us. It's true. If you are a Madonna or The local prostitute-doesn't make you any less worthy or exempt from a certain job. People just need to get over themselves.

Why do we always sweat the small stuff? God. Half of most of our days is spent worrying or paying attention to things that just don't fucking matter. My mom yelled at my sister for fifteen minutes today because she left the cookie package open. I mean, in all honestly. It takes SO much more energy to yell and cause a scene about a situation then it is to just deal with it yourself and move on. Does it really matter much if the cookie package was left open? Why do we need to waste so much energy in the dumbest things? I used to make such a huge deal about Josh smoking. It really just irritates me how much time I wasted in our relationship on just bitching about it. Why couldn't I just get over it? You need to pick your battles in life. Some things are just not worth fighting. Yelling about a cookie package being left open. Not worth it. Bitching about smoking-when it's not your body. Not worth it. Freaking out because the cat got out accidentally. Not worth it. Missing your favorite show on TV-when clearly there will be a re-run. Not fucking worth it.

PICK. Battles.

Decide what will be worth it in the long run. Clearly some things will not matter. They won't have an impact on your future. Deal with it yourself. And move on.

I came to a few conclusions today.

- I almost feel like I am happier when I am without tons of money. Money makes the world go around. It's sick. I almost feel like channeling my inner Christopher McCandless sometimes. Just leave. Donate the money to my name-to charity-people who would do better things with it than me. Get in a car and just leave. It's a selfish thing to do. But not really. What you would be doing is actually selfless. Living off the land. Or just moving to the city. Living as a squatter. Like the characters in "Rent". We are so wrapped around money. Getting things we don't need. Spending all this time working-jobs we hate-to buy things, we don't really NEED. (That was almost a direct quote from "Fight Club"). In all honesty, do I NEED 100 shirts? One will cover me up. I almost feel like I would be happy making just enough money to only buy the things I need. We get so romanced in only being able to pay for the things that make us happy.

Shouldn't happiness be found in other places than where you can put your money? The only thing I can feel right paying for that makes me happy. Is musical things. Keyboard. Guitar. CD's. But will buying that jacket at the GAP I have been eyeing really fill some part of my soul? Shouldn't we find happiness in just living? Cherishing each day. Caring about the people who are in your life. Enjoying company. Going for a walk. Listening to that new CD. I feel like to many people find happiness in the places that will never fill us.

- And then I have this side of me. I feel almost like I have this alter-persona sometimes. When I hear a great song. It just really takes me over. I have been known for just being such an entertainment at dances or in public (with music playing) because the music just controls me. Put on "Just Dance" by Lady Gaga and I will switch my mood or activity to dance or sing. It's almost crazy. It's the performer part of me. The part of me that loves to create music, entertain. Take people away from their troubles for a second to watch me either make a fool out of myself or kick some ass.

- I always said. If I could sell out arena's and venue's for free. Not get paid. I would. It's just what I love to do. It's a passion. I love to create a performance and just perform it. I want to feel people's energy. I want to take people away and just let themselves lose their problems in the midst of a good time. I almost see myself just donating large sums of my "money" to charities. What will I do with that money? But 8 houses that I don't live in, because I travel all the time? Buy 12 cars that I can't drive, or pay someone to drive? But a designer bag, when I could really just use a plastic one, it still does the same thing. Carries objects.

I will say all these things. But there will be times that I embody exactly what I am preaching to myself not to do. It's easy to get caught up in this "life" we are suppose to live. It's almost like we have no control on some things. It is so true that we are never "free" or we are never "independent". We are so tied down to so many things and we can't help most of it. Living costs money. To get money-you work. To make "enough" money you work 40+ hours a week. You have to sleep, so there goes another part of our day. Then that small third that is left-we usually spend doing tasks we claim "need to be done". How much control do we really have over ourselves?

Switching my topics completely.

I am still hurt. I still have so much to give. How do you give to something that won't take it? I can't help but to want to give. I want to take care of him. I want to help him. I want to be there for him to turn to. His shoulder to cry on.

I just remember driving home with Michael the second time Josh and I ever hung out. It was rainy. All I could do is smile. I remember what it was like to fall asleep to his playlist with that illuminated blue light. His arm around me. Listening to "Gardenia" (as I am right now) when I got home that Sunday afternoon. Raining outside. Just doing simple things all day. I miss that simplicity. When chaos wasn't letting lose around me. I had someone I cared about-who cared about me. It was enough for me.

Sometimes I say to myself it's better to walk away from a situation. Then come back to it. In all reality. I needed to be away from Josh to realize how important he exactly was to me. I get so wrapped up in the little things. I got so distant from the bigger picture. I just feel so ready. Like Steve and Miranda in SATC:The Movie. They took two weeks apart. Came back to see if it was what they wanted. I know what I want-he knows what he wants. Wants don't always coincide. How discouraging.

It's difficult. To not be fed what you want to feed. I feel as if I just want to walk back. Just once more. I am just someone right now-who doesn't want their life to be all about them at the moment. I am almost tired just having things in my life just revolve around things I want to do. I just want to be there for another person. Not lose myself. But give myself. Why does everything have to be about ourselves? Sometimes it's okay to be selfish. But I am tired of it. I can let the other person be a little selfish-because I need a break.

I never. ever. Thought I would be feeling this way. My entire life - I was constantly working, working, working for my future. I need to settle down for a while. Just do what I feel like is right for the moment. I find myself debating, daily, about going on one of those missions to Africa or something. Spend 6 months helping children learn english and basic education. Get out of myself and just focus ..ing someone with their life. Like I said, I am so tired of selfish. It's time for me to give.