ARCHIEVE 17

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Times like these...
Current mood: aggravated
I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened to time. It's too cliche' to say that it seems to have slipped by. It has. And I don't know where the hell it went. Days are turning into weeks, weeks into months, and what next? Will I wake up of this subconscious and realize that the past x-amount of time has been a complete waste?

The Virgo inside me, hates to waste time. But I feel like I am just completely lost. I don't know where to even begin my days anymore. I have waited the longest time to move and get out of the proximity of Rockland, Maine. But it feels like ever since I left, I have been completely stripped of everything that belonged to me.

My friends, my room, my family, my pets, my things, my LIFE. How come it all seems to have disappeared by one move? I don't know where to start my life again. Create the type of life I had. Things to do, people to see, things to learn, places to go. I miss having that sort of agenda. I crave it.

With the absence of having an independence of my own, I have just become cold. Emotionally plain. I barely laugh, I hardly smile, anything that used to excite my life...is just so dull.

I find myself looking at the past at times. Not really the far back past, but just a few months ago. It's almost as if I crave some pain right now. I crave that September where my life was a complete mess. I cried half the time and was slightly miserable at times. But at least I was FEELING. Feeling something. And when I cried, I cried. And when I laughed, I laughed my fucking ass right off. I had reasons to get up, and reasons to go to bed. I was living.

So why in times of desperation, are we ready to settle for pain? Is something better than nothing? I just need something. I need something to shake me to my core again, and get me going. I feel like my life has been put on pause, yet I am watching it go past me. What will make the "pause" button lifted?

I'm ready to feel. I'm ready to grow. I'm ready to sweat. I'm ready to laugh. I'm ready to work. I'm ready to just, live. Feel like I am living life. Not going through the motions. I would rather make up my own choreography, thank you.