I lost myself in 2010.

Now that it's almost 2011, it's time for me to find myself again.
And take control.

Dreams

Sometimes I forgot why it is that I wake up in the morning. Sometimes I forget why I have considered all my struggles worth it. I can't keep forgetting. The more I allow myself to forget, the more I lose touch with the hunger I have for my life.

I keep saying I need to change. Saying isn't doing, so I need to do something about it. The eternal struggle with me when I have a goal, is taking the first step. I over-think it and I don't just do something and I become paralyzed by the possibilities and outcomes my mind creates. I need to change that, so I need to constantly dive it, even though I want to dip my toes in the water. Cold or not, at least I did something.

A lot of what I want for myself involves a great deal of sacrifice. I always seem to tell myself that I would be willing to sacrifice what it takes, but I chicken out when the time comes. It's easy to forget what sacrifice really means, giving up something you want in your life, for something you believe will better suit you. Of course I would love the best of both worlds, who doesn't? But this is reality and you can't live in a land where nothing comes without a cost. Everything has a cost, whether it's material, emotional, mental, or physical. We all pay a due for something we get in return. I need to pay those dues.

Right now I'm kind of stuck in a rut, I don't know how I got myself here, but I need to slowly climb out of it and stop manifesting in all the remains of this last year. I feel my best when I am working towards something, and I need to work towards a goal again. Life just seems to be kind of empty unless I have something I am reaching for.

I should compile my inspirations in one spot, so I don't have to keep searching for them over and over again.

I do wake up every morning and feel kind of lost and unaware of who I am and unaware of my life. I need some powerful reminder that will allow me to feel hungry for the day. I love that Lady GaGa quote. When I wake up in the morning, I feel the same insecurities as any 24 year old would, but then I say 'Bitch you're Lady GaGa, get up and walk the walk'. I need a constant reminder of who I am, because I seem to lose my identity at times.

I also, if I am going to be with someone, I need to be with someone who makes me feel special. Not for egotistical reasons, but for sanity reasons. I belittle myself too often to also not feel appreciated or loved by my significant other. I currently don't feel that. I did at one point, but somehow it got lost. I am not surrounded by people who remind me of who I am or where I came from all the time, so it's hard to feel like I am worth something at times, as emo as that sounds. I like to feel like I have a place for myself in people's lives. And the majority of people I do feel like that is the case, are miles and miles away from me. Maybe it's life telling me to get a grip and have some sense of self worth.



"some women choose to follow men, others choose to follow their dreams"

Change.

I want to change.

The only way to change is to constantly work at it.

If you aren't working for it, you aren't changing.

I want to change.

I'm right over here, why can't you see me?

So does anyone know where the hell 2010 went? Because I don't. Not even a little bit. It's like I woke up from New Years Eve and it's already almost 2011. This year has gone by so fast. I can recall any one day and it feels like I just lived it. What is even more unbelievable is how shitty this year was. But oh well, live and learn. I certainly did a lot of learning this year. About myself and the world around me. Just when I thought I had myself figured out...nope.

I've been listening to music from the last three years lately, so that might explain some of my nostalgia.

I get caught up in little things and hardly take tome to realize how far I have come. I'm so hard on myself and never think my best is good enough, so I never take time to relish in any of my successes. I need to change that, because I need to have an idea of self worth. Not in a vain way, but realizing I am worth something and not as little as I sometimes see myself as being.

Just saw someone get hit by a car from Garrett's window. Hahaha. Just kidding. Wouldn't that be horrifying though.

Life is funny. Well I wish it was funnier so I could laugh through it more. hahaha.

Guess

What I'm watching?




The Holiday.

I have been having a painful urge to watch The Holiday on repeat until my eyes bleed because I've been staring at a screen for too long. Okay, I'm exaggerating a bit. But when I get home I want to watch the Holiday, before I go to bed, as I'm leaving my apartment, as I'm cleaning, as I'm taking a shower, as I'm climbing Mount Everest, as I'm falling off Mount Everest. The funny thing is, I haven't even watched it, I've just been wanting too.

You still there? K, I wouldn't be. Red Flag #1 that this will be a boring blog post with my Holiday intro.

I am excited for Christmas, the actual Holiday. However, my wallet got stolen the other day so I need to get a new ID. Problem is, I need a social to get an ID, and I got that stolen too, but to get a new social so I can get an ID, I need an ID. WTF is that shit? I need one to have the other, problem is, I have NEITHER. So I'm making a lot of phone calls tomorrow. I am sure I can find a way to get either.

I got a new hair cut, that was a highlight. Pretty different. Trying to go for a new look, clothes and everything. Now I just need new clothes....

I am looking forward t going to Maine! Hopefully I can fucking get there with an ID or a social. It will be nice to be with family and celebrate the holiday with them. Not sure what I am doing for new years yet, but Jen mentioned getting together for something low key. That would be nice, I don't want to be one of those psycho's that wear diapers and wait in times square for the ball to drop. The ball just dropped on your dignity buddy, and a shit just dropped in your diaper. So I'll do something classy. Like go to a strip club.

It's Garrett and I's one year anniversary coming up. We are both trying to save some dough so neither of us are sure what we are going to do. More importantly, Hi 2010, where the fuck did you go? I'm not complaining, this year has been pretty much a gift from hell, but still, it's gone by so fast. I still remember this time last year....

Anways
LUVVVV TO MUHHH FANZZIEEZZZ. LUV U GUIIIZZZ LYKK CRAZZIIIIIIII. WIDDOUT U I'M NOTHINNNNN SOOO KEEP ONN CHECKKKIN'''' DIZ SPAZE LYK IT'S UR FACEBOOK MMKAIIIIII HUNNNIEEZZZ?*(&&%*&^(*!#$%^&*(

I am pretty sure, the 6 train is a traveling NIGHTMARE.

I want to find whoever thought it would be funny to put only ONE train running on the east side. Hi, are you a fucking IDIOT? I know, I get that they are putting in a 2nd avenue line but that won't be finished anytime soon, in the meantime, people are dying on the 6 train (one woman dropped her bag in the tracks went to get it and thought she could get it but instead got chopped in half) and people are getting sexually molested on the train because everyone is so crammed in there during rush hour.

All aboard the HORROR express. Next stop. Hell.

Ignite the light

I'm not entirely convinced anyone knows how hard it is to write a good pop song. I've been writing songs since I was like, 8 years old (most those songs are lost in my mind or in some dump somewhere), but I have only written in the last 12 years, maybe 7 songs that I can see being great pop songs. So that is like, one good pop song every 2 years. Fuck. hahahaha. That is why artists usually CO-write songs with people, unless you are Lady GodGa, who basically can do everything, including part the red sea and invent a cure for cancer, all while writing a Hot 100 hit.

I will say though, since I've been 18, I have written like...30 songs, or something RIDICULOUS like that. Maybe 10 of them are great, or going in a great direction. But when I go back to look at them, I usually pull stuff that is hidden under all the shitty lyrics and use them to make a different song. I try to write down any idea or melody that pops into my head, because I'll never know when I can use it.

I've been working on "Echo" for like, a year now, it's finallllly something really great I think. It helps that I feel like I have discovered a recipe for a great chart topper. That is definitely incorporated in that song. But it has a lot of meaning to me, so it's been easy to write, but hard to get the message simply across in a song. And something that is easy for people to digest. America doesn't like to work to figure out a song meaning, well nobody does, unless you are a music buff like me.

I've been getting back on Piano and trying to motivate myself more. I asked my Dad to help me with motivation and determination and I definitely think he has. And I need it.

So I hope this motivation lives inside of me for a long time. I need a constant hunger, it's the only way I will get anything done. If I constantly want it. Every now and then just will not do, so I need it to be all the time. I want to want it so bad that it hurts and there is nothing else I can do BUT work at it.

Here's to hoping 2011 is a big year for me and my future.

Drained. Empty. This year.

I kind of feel really bad for any men that ever get into a relationship with me.

I'm difficult, primarily because my past has left me so bruised, especially in the relationship sector. Not just with men, but my relationships with anyone, whether they be a friend or a simple passerby.

It takes a certain type of guy to handle me. Because I can be a lot to handle. I have emotional breakdowns, independence needs, a rocky past, an emotional past and a lot of love that I am so terrified to give away.

I also have a problem with becoming so engulfed in my love for someone that I can give my all to the relationship, and it just leaves me with very little for myself. And as much as I try to come off like I don't seem to care about myself, I do. When I am not able to give myself some time or the things that help me feel alive, I start to die down, and when I die down, I seem to take the closest person in my life with me. It's a horrible thing, but in a lot of ways the indirectly cause me that death inside.

Inevitably after a relationship fails, or even in the midst of one, I go through a self discovery and seem to want to draw more attention me, finding me. I always seem to get lost in relationships and I become this character, one that I really don't like to be. Maybe it's because when it's just me, I can just worry about my life, my time, my actions, my body, my apartment, my friends...me me me me me. Relationships are good for me to devote a section of myself to someone, but I always seem to devote a little too much....

And then that is where I lose myself and die. As morbid as that sounds, it is the complete truth. I need to learn to better manage my soul, I guess that is how I could describe it. I need to find that medium of doing the things I need to do to stay "alive" and the things "we" need to do to stay alive. I'm sure many people in, or who have been in relationships "feel" me on this :)

So why is it such a struggle? Why is it so hard for me to feel at peace with myself and with the life I created with someone else? I've beat this horse before, but sometimes I question if I was meant for relationships. I feel like I turn into this ugly person after a while and I lose myself in becoming that. And it sucks. I hate that part of me, and I want it to go away. But the only way to create change is to constantly work at it, and if I'm not working at it, I'm not changing.

It's been such a chaotic year. It's taken so much out of me. More than I thought I ever could have taken out. I've never felt so lost and out of place at times, but then I have also never felt more alive at times.

I need to stay "alive". I need to master the craft of keeping my spirit peaked so that it doesn't keep dying. I want to feel that hunger for life that I had. I know I still have it, it's just buried beneath the crumbled pieces of this last year.

I talk to my father almost everynight. Although he isn't alive, I feel like speaking to him helps me think that he can hear me, and help me out. I've been asking him some simple but difficult things. He's been helping me. I've been feeling more inspired, and finally figuring out more things with my music. As sad as I am at times that he isn't here with me anymore, I feel like he will keep me away from harm, and that he does watch over me like an angel. I just hope he doesn't stop.

I don't think that we get lucky.
I think we make our own luck.
If we put out positive energy in the world:

as some people call it "luck"...

we just get that positive energy back.

I'm sorry forever didn't work it's charm

VIIIVVIVIII

If I close my eyes real tight
Sometimes I can picture it so right
The days when you still called my name
The days when your figure still remained

I can feel it like it was yesterday
The way you laughed at things
The comments you would say

If I let the memories fall into place
I can still imagine that grin on your face
I know it's not meant to be fair
But I don't like looking to my side
And not seeing you there

Nearly ten months have passed
The days fly with such speed
They hardly seem to last
I want to keep running
And rescue you from the past

These moments seem to be small
But they do the greater good
In summoning it all
But in the end this is always true:

I really really fucking miss you.

Could you give it all up
Could you give it all up

?