I lost myself in 2010.

Now that it's almost 2011, it's time for me to find myself again.
And take control.

Dreams

Sometimes I forgot why it is that I wake up in the morning. Sometimes I forget why I have considered all my struggles worth it. I can't keep forgetting. The more I allow myself to forget, the more I lose touch with the hunger I have for my life.

I keep saying I need to change. Saying isn't doing, so I need to do something about it. The eternal struggle with me when I have a goal, is taking the first step. I over-think it and I don't just do something and I become paralyzed by the possibilities and outcomes my mind creates. I need to change that, so I need to constantly dive it, even though I want to dip my toes in the water. Cold or not, at least I did something.

A lot of what I want for myself involves a great deal of sacrifice. I always seem to tell myself that I would be willing to sacrifice what it takes, but I chicken out when the time comes. It's easy to forget what sacrifice really means, giving up something you want in your life, for something you believe will better suit you. Of course I would love the best of both worlds, who doesn't? But this is reality and you can't live in a land where nothing comes without a cost. Everything has a cost, whether it's material, emotional, mental, or physical. We all pay a due for something we get in return. I need to pay those dues.

Right now I'm kind of stuck in a rut, I don't know how I got myself here, but I need to slowly climb out of it and stop manifesting in all the remains of this last year. I feel my best when I am working towards something, and I need to work towards a goal again. Life just seems to be kind of empty unless I have something I am reaching for.

I should compile my inspirations in one spot, so I don't have to keep searching for them over and over again.

I do wake up every morning and feel kind of lost and unaware of who I am and unaware of my life. I need some powerful reminder that will allow me to feel hungry for the day. I love that Lady GaGa quote. When I wake up in the morning, I feel the same insecurities as any 24 year old would, but then I say 'Bitch you're Lady GaGa, get up and walk the walk'. I need a constant reminder of who I am, because I seem to lose my identity at times.

I also, if I am going to be with someone, I need to be with someone who makes me feel special. Not for egotistical reasons, but for sanity reasons. I belittle myself too often to also not feel appreciated or loved by my significant other. I currently don't feel that. I did at one point, but somehow it got lost. I am not surrounded by people who remind me of who I am or where I came from all the time, so it's hard to feel like I am worth something at times, as emo as that sounds. I like to feel like I have a place for myself in people's lives. And the majority of people I do feel like that is the case, are miles and miles away from me. Maybe it's life telling me to get a grip and have some sense of self worth.



"some women choose to follow men, others choose to follow their dreams"

Change.

I want to change.

The only way to change is to constantly work at it.

If you aren't working for it, you aren't changing.

I want to change.

I'm right over here, why can't you see me?

So does anyone know where the hell 2010 went? Because I don't. Not even a little bit. It's like I woke up from New Years Eve and it's already almost 2011. This year has gone by so fast. I can recall any one day and it feels like I just lived it. What is even more unbelievable is how shitty this year was. But oh well, live and learn. I certainly did a lot of learning this year. About myself and the world around me. Just when I thought I had myself figured out...nope.

I've been listening to music from the last three years lately, so that might explain some of my nostalgia.

I get caught up in little things and hardly take tome to realize how far I have come. I'm so hard on myself and never think my best is good enough, so I never take time to relish in any of my successes. I need to change that, because I need to have an idea of self worth. Not in a vain way, but realizing I am worth something and not as little as I sometimes see myself as being.

Just saw someone get hit by a car from Garrett's window. Hahaha. Just kidding. Wouldn't that be horrifying though.

Life is funny. Well I wish it was funnier so I could laugh through it more. hahaha.

Guess

What I'm watching?




The Holiday.

I have been having a painful urge to watch The Holiday on repeat until my eyes bleed because I've been staring at a screen for too long. Okay, I'm exaggerating a bit. But when I get home I want to watch the Holiday, before I go to bed, as I'm leaving my apartment, as I'm cleaning, as I'm taking a shower, as I'm climbing Mount Everest, as I'm falling off Mount Everest. The funny thing is, I haven't even watched it, I've just been wanting too.

You still there? K, I wouldn't be. Red Flag #1 that this will be a boring blog post with my Holiday intro.

I am excited for Christmas, the actual Holiday. However, my wallet got stolen the other day so I need to get a new ID. Problem is, I need a social to get an ID, and I got that stolen too, but to get a new social so I can get an ID, I need an ID. WTF is that shit? I need one to have the other, problem is, I have NEITHER. So I'm making a lot of phone calls tomorrow. I am sure I can find a way to get either.

I got a new hair cut, that was a highlight. Pretty different. Trying to go for a new look, clothes and everything. Now I just need new clothes....

I am looking forward t going to Maine! Hopefully I can fucking get there with an ID or a social. It will be nice to be with family and celebrate the holiday with them. Not sure what I am doing for new years yet, but Jen mentioned getting together for something low key. That would be nice, I don't want to be one of those psycho's that wear diapers and wait in times square for the ball to drop. The ball just dropped on your dignity buddy, and a shit just dropped in your diaper. So I'll do something classy. Like go to a strip club.

It's Garrett and I's one year anniversary coming up. We are both trying to save some dough so neither of us are sure what we are going to do. More importantly, Hi 2010, where the fuck did you go? I'm not complaining, this year has been pretty much a gift from hell, but still, it's gone by so fast. I still remember this time last year....

Anways
LUVVVV TO MUHHH FANZZIEEZZZ. LUV U GUIIIZZZ LYKK CRAZZIIIIIIII. WIDDOUT U I'M NOTHINNNNN SOOO KEEP ONN CHECKKKIN'''' DIZ SPAZE LYK IT'S UR FACEBOOK MMKAIIIIII HUNNNIEEZZZ?*(&&%*&^(*!#$%^&*(

I am pretty sure, the 6 train is a traveling NIGHTMARE.

I want to find whoever thought it would be funny to put only ONE train running on the east side. Hi, are you a fucking IDIOT? I know, I get that they are putting in a 2nd avenue line but that won't be finished anytime soon, in the meantime, people are dying on the 6 train (one woman dropped her bag in the tracks went to get it and thought she could get it but instead got chopped in half) and people are getting sexually molested on the train because everyone is so crammed in there during rush hour.

All aboard the HORROR express. Next stop. Hell.