The days are gone
The nights they pass
I know these things
Weren't meant to last
That doesn't mean
I was ready
To give it up so fast

"I'm not a promiscuous girl, I'm free spirited"

HARDCANDY.

I'm really sorry.

But everyday I find it harder and harder to care about you.
Every time you try to "shelf" me, I don't say, but I do resent you just a little more.
I'm done playing tag, but in this case "you're it".

I've done everything I can do.
If you want recognize that I'm still here.
Well that's up to you.

In this case, sometimes out of sight, out of mind is maybe a good thing. Isn't that how everything gets resolved anyway. How to "forget".

I'm not trying to be hard, but I'm done being sweet.

LOWERYOUREYELIDS

If you have never listened to this song. Please do. This might be my favorite song. It makes me reminisce in the best ways. And it gives me strength and a sense of courage for the present.

Today was a really strange day for me. A lot of "coincidences" that I don't really think are that alone.

I felt like he was watching me today. Call me corny, but I really did.

<3

PLEASE?

Come back.
Even for a night.
Just so I can tell you how much I love you.
How much I miss you.
How I wish these events never happened.
And you were still here by my side.

I could hug you.
We could talk and chat.
You know, like we always would.
I was never disappointed in you.
I know you always did the best you could.

You're my inspiration everyday.
You're the thoughts in my mind.
And the words that I say.
I never would have guessed.
Things would end up this way.
Even though you're not here.
Stay by my side.
So I know I'll be okay.

DON'TWAKEUP.

My inspiration has been doing me really good lately. I bought one of those dry erase boards and I have been writing things on it to inspire me as I leave my apartment to go about my day. I think it helps. Or when I am in my room and I am being unproductive and I see it. It makes me get my shit together.

I talk about the past a lot. But whatever, I never really deal with the past unless I write it in one of these blogs. But lately I have been thinking a lot of how much shit has happened in the last 5 months. It's just so much to wrap my mind around. I can only imagine how my future might feel like. Especially with the paths that I have been choosing to go down.

I guess what I am getting to is that my life feels like a dream most of the time. And if it is the case. Please don't wake me up.

I love good conversations and good talk. After a really great conversation last night, I kind of re-realized my ambitions and why I am even in NYC in the first place. It was good to feel the pure desperation for those goals again. call me a wannabee. But you can go fuck yourself. ^_^.

There are many people who are rooting for me to fail, as there is with anyone who is trying to better themselves. And there are many people who think I am wasting my time. Or that I should be in college instead of "wasting my life away". Did it ever occur to some people that people might want different paths in life?

Anyways. I have been enjoying NYC a lot and enjoying the simplicity of my life and just doing great New York things. But all of this will change soon. When I really start to get the ball rolling, as I am doing right now, pretty soon I won't be able to enjoy as much free time as I would like. But as my friend and I were saying, we make sacrifices in life. And the things that I will be willing to give up will hopefully be worth it when I do reach my goals.

I'm just looking forward to what I can do with myself. I know it's going to be really though and really discouraging at times, but fuck it, I would be more miserable not trying, than being upset at my failed efforts.

As Gaga would say, I would die if I was forbidden to make music.

KING.

I do believe I am a good person when it comes the larger majority of things.

But sometimes....

I wonder how I am already not in hell. On a throne. With the King himself.

Man, I can be a fucking asshole.

IPROMISE.

Little boy
Don't you forget his face
Laughing away your tears
When He was the one who felt all the pain

Little boy never forget his eyes
Keep them alive inside
I promise to try
It's not the same

Keep your head held high
Ride like the wind
Never look behind, life isn't fair
That's what you said, so I try not to care

Little boy don't run away so fast
I think you forgot to kiss
Kiss him goodbye

Will he see me cry when I stumble and fall?
Does he hear my voice in the night when I call?
Wipe away all your tears
It's gonna be all right

I fought to be so strong, I guess you knew
I was afraid you'd go away too

Little boy
You've got to forget the past
And learn to forgive me
I promise to try
But it feels like a lie

Don't let memory play games with your mind
He's a faded smile frozen in time
I'm still hanging on
But I'm doing it wrong
Can't kiss him goodbye







But I promise to try



CSL. 62568-4509. <3.

SOSLOWLY.

Tick tick tock
It's a quarter to 2
And I'm done
I'm hanging up on you

I can't keep on waiting for you
I know that you're still hesitating


I've come to the simple realization. You want something done. Do it your fucking self. And, Men are just pretty much assholes. Yes, you can include myself.

I'm not doing this indecisive shit right now. I'm not something you can put on layaway. In the meantime of people deciding what it is that they want, I just become more and more disinterested.

You will know what you want.

If you want something, fine. If you don't want something, fine. I love the color grey (^_^), but when it comes to things like this...it needs to be black or white.

*Disclaimer. Despite thoughts, I don't really feel like this is directed towards one person. So I'm not being passive aggressive here.



***I'm going to imitate Madonna in this picture. Have sex and date my music. Judge all you want. ^_^.

NOTE2SELF.

Note to self.

I need to make up my mind on what it is that I really want.

I am pretty sure on my answers and decisions, but my mind tends to wander at all the possible outcomes and paths that things can go down.

Why am I so analytical?

stop it.

TICKTOCKTICKTOCK.

I'm going to be sticking to my new favorite line from now on. It seems to fit so many places in my life.



What are you waiting for?

TAURUS.

I was brushing my teeth today and I made somewhat of an interesting revelation...

I never knew how many Taurus's were in my life until I really thought about it. And then I thought of every single one that I have in my life and each one of them has significantly impacted my life in one way.

So I wonder what's my polar attraction with the bull.

It's fall. Or it's getting here. Which means I am going to become more and more nostalgic, and I think it's going to be even stronger this year.

I don't exactly want to come out and say what is on my mind. But it's been on my mind a lot lately and I can't seem to figure out why. Or why I even care enough to be thinking these things. Or why I am just feeding my urge to figure all this out.

On another note. Things change don't they? Change can bring seconds chances, can they not? But sometimes change can be so elaborate that you can't really find a reason to try to re-spark things.

I don't even know where I am getting at or what I am talking about.

Remembering things can be fun, but when it's shit like this, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't hate it, but at the same time I don't see why I need to remember it.

hmmm.

WRNINGSGN.

Remember all my chatter about me feeling not connected to things? About never feeling grounded or emotionally attached. This is all true. But what's also true, is that I can never predict WHEN I will have an emotional outburst. They just happen, and I can't really control it, for the life of me.

So what triggered it today? I really couldn't tell you. I can never tell you, because I never know.

I am pretty happy with the life that I have now. Of course there are things I would love to change, but when I go to bed at night I am grateful for how things are.

But I do miss things.

And times like these, I miss them a lot.

Sometimes I wonder what I would give up, just to get that feeling again, what it used to feel like...because I don't think I have felt it in so long. I want to just have that again, very much so.

&&This is why I don't complain about being single, or praise it for that matter. I don't want to be a burden in someones life. I don't really want to expect people to have to put up with the complexity of the person that I am. Because it can be really inconvenient to know me.

Before I ramble, I am going to end it here.

JSTDNCE

It's been a whirlwind ever since I got back from Maine. I can't say I don't love every single minute of it though.

These past days I have felt so good. I think I am learning to just take things as they are, rather than what they could be/appear to be. It's definitely a smarter decision on my part. It allows me to not be as consumed in analyzing situations before I decide whether or not they are "worth it". I'm liking just jumping into things that feel right, and then figuring out what will come of it later.

I'm trying to just stop blurred liens in my life. They seem to be everywhere and I'm so tired of it. So I've pulled the plug on some things.

Why?

Because I can't afford to give a shit anymore.

And I think I stopped giving a shit on most matters. And it feels...








amazing.

GROUNDED.

I am a classic for repeating myself.

But it's mostly because I lose touch with "the moment".

I've always said that I think my biggest struggle in life, is staying grounded. Not in a superficial sense, but in a sense of always feeling like I get the gravity of things. I always seem to feel as if I just let things pass me by, without properly addressing the situation.

When I was sitting in JFK last week, I suddenly realized what the last five months have looked like. This is where I lose touch of reality. I just seem to always forget the initial emotions of everything that I do in life. It's my defense mechanism if you will...something I have created for myself.

Things always seem to be chaos.
Crazy.
Unpredictable.

And I never know where I am going to end up. So I try not to get attached to things, people, or moments. I've just learned that things change so quickly, and it's hard for me to see a reason to emotionally invest in things...because the terror inside me knows they can be taken away at any moment.

I'm not sure what will happen in 5 months from now. After seeing what kind of life I am living compared to five months ago, I can only imagine the life I can live in the near future.

All I know, are these things:
*I want to have fun
*I want to do what I feel
*I want to work hard
*I want to give it everything I possibly got



My picture is just space. That's what I feel like everyday. Just floating around in possibilities and soaring through opportunities. I don't mind floating, but it sure would be nice to have someone to float with.