WARNING.

(THIS BLOG MAY CONTAIN PAINFULLY CLICHE AND CORNY WRITING)

Walking back from Target tonight as I slipped in my heartbeats and went to listen to a classical (for me) single in NYC song...I happened to choose "Floaters" by Rob Mounsey Project. I think it really captured the mood of how I have been feeling lately...

It must be November air, but I have been feeling really thankful lately. Like. Really thankful. I sometimes get afraid when I feel such a powerful feeling like this, because I feel like it's my emotions prepping for disaster to come. Anways...

I have lived far from a charmed life from the looks of others. But...I can't stop myself from saying to myself, that I have lived such a privileged life. I have had many of struggles and pitfalls, but I thank whatever higher being every morning, that I am the person I am today.

I have never really been someone to really complain much, because in all honestly, although I don't have a lot to my name, or lots of money in the bank, sure I stress about how I'll be able to survive in NYC at times...but where the core of my being is, is not only priceless, but it's worth all the mellow drama of life. I couldn't have it luckier than I do. Most people go home at the end of the day and still feel like shit with all the stress of life. Most nights I go to bed thankful for every breathe I've taken and ever image I've ever seen.

I'm 19 years old, but I'm wise beyond my years. I've been told this since I was 10 years old. I have trouble matching up my numerical age to my spiritual age because they seem like they have such a gap in what people would perceive my behaviors to be. I'm thankful to have gone through hell many times and to probably be going back a few more times to have visits, it's made me such a strong and internally content/happy person.

I've been thinking a lot about the books "A Series of Unfortunate Events", ever since I saw Liam Aiken around NYU. I remembered how when I was 14 I was obsessed with this classical piece that Thomas Newton wrote for the song. The score is called "The Letter That Never Came". I've identified with this song for years, for many different reasons. I remembered in the movie when they got...the letter that never came, and inside Violet read this quote, which I newly discovered today:

"At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place. But believe us when we say there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may in fact, be the first steps of a journey."

I'm lucky every day to be alive. And I feel even more like a million bucks lately. This feeling doesn't ever really go away, it just intensifies from time to time. As awful as the world seemingly has been to me. I'm so happy to have went through it all.


I'm a lucky little shit.

Can we slow down?

Time is moving too fast.

Looks like I've got a lot on my mind lately, huh? I think I have actually successfully given myself a headache from thinking so much. Mostly good though, so no real worries.

Despite everything I've been through (corniness alert), I still can't believe every single day how lucky I really am. At time my life can seem rough and troubled, but it doesn't really matter because I feel lucky everyday just to be able to be alive. It sounds so cliche, but it's how I have been feeling lately. I am not in the most amazing place, but my...soul (?) is.

Oh and I'm a living Lady GaGa song right now. And no, it's not "Speechless".

It's been a lazy lazy Monday so far. But I guess I should enjoy simple pleasures of not having too much to do.

My legs are really sore from dancing for like...3 hours on Saturday night/Sunday Morning.

I looked at some of the songs I wrote about a year ago and realized that 1) Some of them really suck and 2) Some of them could actually be something really great. I didn't realize how much I had wrote, there is like 26 songs there. How could I just forget all of those songs? I still think "Supernova" is going to be up there with my favorite songs as well as the one I'm pretty done writing now called "He is Me". I just need to really sit at my piano and really fuck around until something just comes through me. I guess that will be the purpose of the winter. Since I am not in a relationship (thankfully), I imagine that I will spend some good time dating my music all winter.

I have been having very vivid and distinct visions of my future. I can see myself or who I believe I am going to be, I just need to make a point to actually get there. I always amaze myself how much I have changed and evolved in the past 6 months alone, I question where I will be and what I will be doing in six months time from now. It's fucking terrifying but it's fucking exciting at the same time.

I've come to a few realizations lately. I seem to talk about my men troubles in my blog a lot recently. But whatever. I have come to a pact with myself that I won't date in the foreseeable future. Men suck, Music needs to become my everything.

Gosh, and The Fame Monster, definitely helps me tap into that frequency.

Here's to a winter filled with music, drunken mishaps, lyrical revelations and most of all: A Good Fucking Time.

He is Me.

I've been working on a really intricate song about something very complicated. I thought I would post some lyrics so you get the idea of where this is going.


You've got to fight fight fight
Get a hold hold hold of yourself
Do this for yourself boy
Make your living lie the truth
They can't chase it
If they never find the proof


oh boy, oh boy, you are me.