I hardly write in this bitch anymore.

I journal a lot more now. I think it's better to physically write out all the things that are in my head-although it's exhausting because my head is always spinning....

A massive amount of stuff has changed in my life since I really last wrote about my life at all. A lot, A lot. HMMMMMM.

I'll sleep when I'm dead.

I'm always in a constant state of feeling surreal. I can hardly ever attach myself to any given moment long enough to truly pour myself into it. Out of fear? Out of logic? I'm not quite sure. But at some point, all these feelings that I didn't get to feel at the moment, come rushing back to me and hit me in the face. It's a little intense but I guess that's the way that I've been accustomed to feel.

These last 2 years in NYC have been insanity. Complete insanity. I hardly even know where I come from anymore. The intensity of the last two years has felt like a lifetime here in NYC.

Anyways. It's been a while since I've posted. And I deleted some of my really intense posts that I wrote this winter. Time of my life? Definitely.

I hardly know what to feel, I hardly know what to do, I just know that I'm moving forward. This time in a much, much better place :)

You'll pretend I'm fine
When you know I'm really not
And I'll pretend that we still got a shot

now that I've hit bottom, it's time to reach the top.

TRUE

It's true to be careful what you wish for.

I'm not really complaining, but I have so much inspiration and so many idea's running through my head that I might explode.

I need to find an outlet.

All I want and have wanted in 2011 is to have inspiration pour out of me at such an alarming rate that it hurts.

I think I am starting to get what I wanted. Thank baby jesus.

I have been trying to re-assemble the songs I want to eventually record for demo's and eventually hopefully on an album.

It was difficult for me to kind of find the inspiration I needed last year to kind of look at my music with a critical eye and a creative eye and decide where I want to go, the directions I want to take it and what songs I want to have certain sounds on.

There are 4 songs that I definitely know can be really great. And I have about a million other songs that I have written that I am re-working.

The tricky thing is that I am such a perfectionist that I don't know if what I write is the best so I never feel like I can finish a song because I feel like I can make it better someday.

Oh well.

I just need to keep this inspiration running.

I lost myself in 2010.

Now that it's almost 2011, it's time for me to find myself again.
And take control.