Drained. Empty. This year.

I kind of feel really bad for any men that ever get into a relationship with me.

I'm difficult, primarily because my past has left me so bruised, especially in the relationship sector. Not just with men, but my relationships with anyone, whether they be a friend or a simple passerby.

It takes a certain type of guy to handle me. Because I can be a lot to handle. I have emotional breakdowns, independence needs, a rocky past, an emotional past and a lot of love that I am so terrified to give away.

I also have a problem with becoming so engulfed in my love for someone that I can give my all to the relationship, and it just leaves me with very little for myself. And as much as I try to come off like I don't seem to care about myself, I do. When I am not able to give myself some time or the things that help me feel alive, I start to die down, and when I die down, I seem to take the closest person in my life with me. It's a horrible thing, but in a lot of ways the indirectly cause me that death inside.

Inevitably after a relationship fails, or even in the midst of one, I go through a self discovery and seem to want to draw more attention me, finding me. I always seem to get lost in relationships and I become this character, one that I really don't like to be. Maybe it's because when it's just me, I can just worry about my life, my time, my actions, my body, my apartment, my friends...me me me me me. Relationships are good for me to devote a section of myself to someone, but I always seem to devote a little too much....

And then that is where I lose myself and die. As morbid as that sounds, it is the complete truth. I need to learn to better manage my soul, I guess that is how I could describe it. I need to find that medium of doing the things I need to do to stay "alive" and the things "we" need to do to stay alive. I'm sure many people in, or who have been in relationships "feel" me on this :)

So why is it such a struggle? Why is it so hard for me to feel at peace with myself and with the life I created with someone else? I've beat this horse before, but sometimes I question if I was meant for relationships. I feel like I turn into this ugly person after a while and I lose myself in becoming that. And it sucks. I hate that part of me, and I want it to go away. But the only way to create change is to constantly work at it, and if I'm not working at it, I'm not changing.

It's been such a chaotic year. It's taken so much out of me. More than I thought I ever could have taken out. I've never felt so lost and out of place at times, but then I have also never felt more alive at times.

I need to stay "alive". I need to master the craft of keeping my spirit peaked so that it doesn't keep dying. I want to feel that hunger for life that I had. I know I still have it, it's just buried beneath the crumbled pieces of this last year.

I talk to my father almost everynight. Although he isn't alive, I feel like speaking to him helps me think that he can hear me, and help me out. I've been asking him some simple but difficult things. He's been helping me. I've been feeling more inspired, and finally figuring out more things with my music. As sad as I am at times that he isn't here with me anymore, I feel like he will keep me away from harm, and that he does watch over me like an angel. I just hope he doesn't stop.